


The Tree of Life (Castiel x Reader)

by sparklingcas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels, Carnival, Cunnilingus, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Dry Humping, Dry Orgasm, F/M, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff, Grace - Freeform, Hand Job, Hand Jobs, Human Castiel, Human!Cas x Reader, Mentions of Sex, Metatron - Freeform, Oral Sex, Reader Insert, SPN - Freeform, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Season 9, Sex, Smut, Soulmate AU, Soulmates, Steve!Cas, Steve!Cas x Reader, Supernatural - Freeform, cas x reader, castiel - Freeform, castiel x reader - Freeform, human!Cas, meta fiction, soulmate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2018-12-15 17:55:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11811228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklingcas/pseuds/sparklingcas
Summary: You ran away from home as a teen and now travel with a carnival in the spring, summer and fall, never expecting to find your soulmate while travelling to a new town every week. But then you meet Steve. A quiet gas station attendant in Rexburg, Idaho. You spend the week getting to know him and falling in love. There’s no way of telling if he’s your soulmate or not until spring when the tree on your arm blooms. Will you take the chance and stay? Or will you move on and risk never seeing the only man you’ve ever loved again? - SERIES COMPLETE





	1. Doesn't Remind Me

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter of this story has a song to go with it, to set the mood. Listen here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RamikVn2RCE

You zoned out for a moment as you looked at the mark on your forearm. It was a constant reminder of the fact that you would never find your soulmate. It was almost certain. Your parents weren’t soulmates, so when the tree showed up on your arm when you were twelve, you were genuinely surprised. **  
**

The tree of life appeared somewhere on your body during puberty - if you had a soulmate. Typically, when two people reproduced that weren’t soulmates…their children never found theirs. It was an accident. A tear in the system of whatever made people have soulmates in the first place.

Your timer went off, pulling you from your thoughts. You grabbed your set of tongs and reached into the deep fryer, pulling out one of your famous red velvet funnel cakes for the customer waiting at your window. You set it on a paper towel covered paper plate and proceeded to drizzle it with your homemade cream cheese glaze and a bit of chocolate syrup. You always loved the look on your customer’s faces whenever you handed them one of your funnel cakes. It was really something special for them, and it reminded you that you had a purpose.

You travelled with the carnival for most of the year. Cooking fair food for others was your second nature.

You stood back with your hands on your hips and looked out of the windows that wrapped around your food stand. It was the first night you were in town, and it was a Sunday night - so things were quite slow. But the crisp autumn breeze that came through your window had you taking in a deep breath. This was your favorite time of year - and you loved even more with this job.

Looking around and seeing the fairgrounds all lit up by strung up lights and rides always brought a smile to your face. It was just after 7pm and the sun was just beginning to set. You grabbed one of the corn dogs that were already made and a plate as you sat down at your table inside your stand and took a bite.

You picked up your pen and placed a small ‘x’ on your map, right over Rexburg, Idaho, as you ate. You kept a map with you at all times, you loved to see where all you’d travelled over the years. You jumped slightly as someone hit the bell you had at your window, and you stood up.

“Can I help you?” you asked, leaning down and looking at the customer standing in front of your window.

An attractive customer if you said so yourself. He looked to be in his mid to late thirties, had dark hair, and striking blue eyes that sparkled in the christmas lights you had strung up around your food stand. You couldn’t help but smile as you watched him look over your picture-less menu with a confused look on his face.

“Sir?” you asked, seemingly pulling him from his thoughts.

He made eye contact with you for only a second before his eyes drifted down to your chest. Which, wasn’t surprising. You didn’t wear low cut shirts for nothing. He looked over and then back up at you - maintaining eye contact this time.

“What’s uh- a funnel cake?” he asked, and if his voice wasn’t as low and as gruff and sexy as it was you might’ve just choked.

“You..you don’t know what a funnel cake is?” you responded.

The man licked his lips and shook his head as he glanced back at your menu. You couldn’t let him live any more of his life without knowing what a funnel cake was, so you quickly rushed out of your stand and around to the man, who was much taller now that you were on his level.

“You’re coming with me.” you told him, grabbing onto the sleeve of his striped polo.

“Wha-?” He started to protest. But he was silenced upon feeling a tingling sensation in his chest when you grabbed onto him.

“Nope. You have to try a funnel cake. And I’m not busy. So come on.” you insisted and finally he followed you around to your door.

You motioned for him to sit down at your small table, and he took the hint. You grabbed your tube of red velvet funnel cake batter once you were sure he wasn’t going to try and run off and squeezed it out into your fryer.

“So, what’s your name?” you turned your head to ask the man as you stood back and wound the timer back for the funnel cake.

“S-steve.”

“Well Steve, you’re about to learn a new way of life.” you smiled.

“I um, thank you.” He said quietly.

“So-” you said as you wound your timer- “You live here in town?”

You spun around to look at him as you leaned against your counter.

“I- Yes. I work at the Gas n’ Sip.” he said very matter of factly. Every word that came out of his mouth seemed to be music to your ears.

“Oh? How’s that?” you asked.

“It’s not bad. I’m decent at it.” he responded.

You smiled at him and looked up as a customer walked up to your window- “Sit tight.”

After serving that customer a lemon shake-up, your timer for Steve’s funnel cake went off. You went ahead and served it up and sat it in front of him with a fork- “I’m Y/N, by the way.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” Steve held his hand out to shake yours and as you grabbed it, you felt the same tingling sensation in your chest that he’d felt just minutes ago. The eye contact you made with him was surely creepy, so you pulled away and turned.

“Anyway, uh..a funnel cake’s not gonna fill you up-” you reached into a tub you had on the far side of your food stand and you grabbed an already spiraled and ready to cook- “you ever have ribbon fries?”   
  
“I have not..” He smiled a little before looking down at the plate you placed in front of him. He went to reach around and take out his wallet to pay you. But you tossed the fries in the fryer before rushing over to him and shoving his hand away.

“Nope. You’re not paying for anything.” You told him. Faltering slightly whenever you touched him again. He noticed it this time. He also noticed the tree on your forearm.

You snapped out of it quickly when you remembered the ribbon fries, ignoring that pull that you felt towards him.

“You uh- haven’t found your soulmate I see.” He said as you pulled the food from the deep fryer. You winced, you were hoping he wouldn’t ask that. Of all the people you knew, there were very few whose tree was on their arm.

The tree changed from season to season, throughout the year. When someone found their soulmate, that following spring, the tree would bloom beautiful flowers in all different colors - instead of the typical white. The colors would remain on the tree year round, to show that they’d found their match. On occasion, their soulmate’s name would appear on the trunk. But no one could figure out what that occasion was.

It was early September now, and the leaves on your tree had just begun to turn.

“Um..no, I uh, I haven’t.” you admitted as you drizzled the curly fries with cheese before setting those in front of Steve as well. You wiped your hands on the front of your jeans as he looked up at you.

The dread you felt from his question quickly faded as you looked into his ocean blue eyes. You looked down at the food you’d sat in front of him and motioned to it all- “Um, eat! I think you’ll enjoy everything.”

The corner of his mouth turned up slightly as you stood up straight to look around outside. There was a few more customers that needed to be waited on and you helped them as Steve ate. Several minutes later, after you’d helped them you turned back to Steve, happy to see how much he’d eaten.

“Good food right?” You asked as you leaned against the table.

He nodded- “Yes, excellent.” 

You smiled as you were determined to getting him to loosen up a little bit. There was just… something about him.

“Good. you want anything else? Something to drink?”

“You don’t have to-” he began.

“Yes I do.” you insisted, spinning around and reaching for a large cup in your small refrigerator - already filled with ice and lemon. You grabbed another cup and the rest of the ingredients; getting lost in your music for a moment.

Steve watched as you raised the drink over your head and shook it - his eyes drifting down to your hips as you swayed back and forth to the music. His mouth fell open slightly, you were one of the most beautiful things he’d ever seen, and though he didn’t have much to say - he had no intention of leaving until you kicked him out.

“Okay, here.” you said upon finishing the drink. You grabbed a straw and handed it to him and sat down at the table with Steve.

Before taking a drink his eyes drifted down to your chest again- “That’s um, your necklace-”

“Oh-” you looked down and picked up the necklace that rested on your chest. The chain was long and the charm at the end was a set of black angel wings, made intentionally to look like there were feathers missing- “this?”

“Does it have a meaning?” He asked, and your heart fluttered. No one ever noticed your ratty old necklace.

“Yeah, uh-” you smiled as you thought about it, and if you were being honest, you were excited to talk about it- “my mom gave it to me, when I was fourteen..she’s long gone now..but..when I was fourteen I had a lot going on-” you glanced up and made eye contact with Steve for a moment, completely clueless as to why he was so intrigued by your necklace- “It means no matter how bruised and battered you are… you always have to keep going. You always have to get up off your ass and keep fighting.”

You looked back up at him when you finished talking - telling him about that had somehow broken that awkward barrier there was. You let your necklace fall back down as you smiled, you could practically feel your face turning red.

“So, have you found your soulmate?” you asked. Now feeling much more calm about the subject.

Steve winced slightly, but somehow still wore a smile on his face- “I’m not sure I have one.”

You sighed and laughed slightly, reaching out for the funnel cake he hadn’t eaten and grabbing a piece of it.

“Well Steve, join the club.” you tossed the bite in your mouth and smiled while leaning back in your chair.

Steve spent the rest of the night with you in the food stand, both of you talking in between you taking care of customers. It was small talk - you didn’t learn anything really personal about each other, but there was just something about him. It felt like you already knew him. Every time you made eye contact, every time he smiled, your heart fluttered.

The way he wrapped his hands around his cup might have been something simple and harmless; but if you were being honest, watching him do anything made you feel like you were on fire.

What only felt like a few minutes turned into a few hours, and before you realized it, it was nearly eleven o’clock, and the carnival had been closed for an hour already.

“Oh jeez.” you said as you stood up and started cleaning.

“I uh, I didn’t realize .” Steve said as he stood as well.

“Yeah, me neither.” You tossed your rag on the counter and spun around slightly surprised whenever Steve was standing just a foot or two in front of you.

He was tall, and just thinking of that fact alone made you blush.

“Uh, here.” you moved around to the table and scribbled your number down on a piece of scrap paper before handing it to him- “Come back and see me…I’m here all week.”

“I think I’ll take you up on that.” Steve said as he smiled at you.

You reached out and touched his arm as he looked at the paper, not really knowing what your intentions were- “Um, okay. I’ll um..see you again.”

You didn’t know where the sudden nervousness had come from but as you got ready to let Steve out he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around you. It caught you off guard, you didn’t expect it. In fact, neither did he. But you were able to melt into him for a moment before he pulled away.

You didn’t want to let him out. You didn’t want him to go. You weren’t sure what was going on but this feeling you had.. It was something you’d never felt before.

Neither of you said a word and you caught yourself staring at him as he walked away.

“You have heart eyes, Y/N.” you looked back to see one of your co-workers, Beth, standing at your window.

“I do not.” you disagreed as you stepped back inside to clean up some more. Though, any normal person wouldn’t just watch someone leave like that.

“You had him in here all night.” She said before walking around to the side of your stand and letting herself in.

You sighed and started spraying down your table and countertops- “That doesn’t mean anything.”

“It’s okay to have flings you know.” She added.

“You know how I feel about that.” You sat down once everything looked clean enough.

Flings weren’t really your thing. You’d think for someone that likely doesn’t have a soulmate, you’d feel differently but…you just didn’t. You were damaged more than you liked to admit. Maybe Beth was right, maybe you could have a fling once in awhile.

“Alright well, he was cute so, if you’re not going to-” She said teasingly, and you looked up at her with your eyebrows raised- “That’s what I thought.”

She offered you a smiled and stood up, giving you a  _see you tomorrow_  nod as she made her way out.

You set your elbows up on the table and rested your head in your hands. There was no way you could do this. He probably didn’t even see you that way. But you gave him your number. And he hugged you.

Either way, this was going to be a long week.


	2. One Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve comes back to see you for the second day in a row. The two of you grow closer. You start to wonder if this is what it feels like when you have as soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music to set the mood - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV0AOaJunZM

The next day was much busier. You’d worked up a good sweat from working your ass off all day, and all you could think about was how ready you were for Beth to come take over for the evening. On busy days, she always came to take over for you. She was the only person you trusted to handle your food.

You wiped the sweat off of your forehead with your arm and praised yourself for not forgetting to pull your hair back into a ponytail that morning. It may have been autumn but with the sun out, it was still pretty warm.

You’d always heard that working with food meant you would want to eat all day. Right now, you couldn’t disagree more. You knew the food you made was good, sure, but you couldn’t even fathom eating it right now even if you had to.

You glanced up at your clock. 3:00pm.  _Finally._

You looked to the side as you handed a customer their food, ecstatic to see Beth had shown up to take over for you. You couldn’t get your apron off fast enough, and you didn’t even hear what she said as you stepped outside.

Apparently, she was saying that the cute guy from yesterday was here, or in other words - Steve. You practically ran into him as you rounded to the front of your food stand.

“Oh, hey!” you said, putting your hands on your hips, you were actually kind of glad to see him again. Though, you were happy to be somewhere other than a food stand right now.

“Hello.” His voice still sent chills coursing through you. Maybe a fling wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Plus, you liked the way he looked at you.

“So, couldn’t get enough of my food, huh?” you said jokingly.

Steve’s raised his eyebrows and did that adorable half-smile you noticed he does while reaching up to rub the back of his head- “Actually, I uh, just came to see you.”

You could feel yourself blushing as you looked off to the side. You were surprised that you were like this around Steve, you really weren’t the shy type. Reminding yourself of this, you looked back up at him.

“Well, I can’t let you down, now can I?” You suggested as you took a step forward and wrapped your arm around his.

You froze as that tingly feeling started happening in your chest again whenever the two of you touched, and it took your breath away. It was something indescribable. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think something was wrong - but it was clear that Steve felt it too whenever you glanced at him.

“So, what would you like to do?” He asked you as you began walking.

“Mmm, let’s just walk around for now.” You said, still feeling slightly overworked from your busy day. Now that you were out and about, the breeze was working to cool you off.

“Alright then-” He said, looking over and down at you- “so, where are you from?”

“Uh, well, here and there,” you began, “we never stayed in one place for long.”

“You and?” Steve pressed further.

“My parents.” Normally, you wouldn’t dream of telling someone about your upbringing. Not after knowing them for only a day anyhow, but God was Steve different.

You felt yourself relax slightly whenever Steve tightened his grip on your arm comfortingly, and you looked up into his blue eyes. The two of you were walking incredibly slow.

“What about you?” you asked, you wanted to change the subject, but you also wanted to know more about him.

Steve looked away for that question, “Uh,” you noticed that he struggled with his answer, maybe you weren’t the only fucked up one after all, “Kansas.”

“Oh?” you pressed.

“Here and there,” Steve smiled at you, “I lived with uh, friends.”

“Did something happen?” you asked, taking note of the tone he used.

“Well, it’s why I’m here actually. My friends, Sam.. and Dean.” He began, both of you slowly coming to a stop- “Well Dean told me that I uh-” you could tell Steve was struggling with it and you reached out for his other arm with your free hand so that you were now facing him.

“You don’t have to tell me, Steve.” you assured him.

“It’s not uh, really a big deal I guess,” He said, “Dean told me I couldn’t stay and, well, here I am.”

“Well, I’m sorry that asshole kicked you out.” you said, “I um, I ran away from home when I was seventeen. So I’ve been on my own ever since then.”

The amount of physical contact that you and Steve were making was quite a lot for two people that had only known each other for a day. But you didn’t care. You wrapped both arms around his arm as you both stood there. The contact helped you told your story.

“My dad was pretty..abusive and uh, my mom-” you trailed off for a moment, looking away from Steve, you hadn’t talked about it in..well, ever- “she died when I was sixteen.”

“Y/N,” Steve said, bringing your attention up to him, “I’m sorry.”

You didn’t have much time to respond before he wrapped you up in a hug. You didn’t complain however. The tingling sensation in your heart grew into a warming calm as your head rested against his chest for a moment. Words came so easy with Steve, in fact, there was no need for words at all. It was almost as if he could be…

_No._  You didn’t have a soulmate.

“It’s okay-” you said as you tighten your grip on Steve absentmindedly- “It was a long time ago.”

You pulled back slightly, your arms still wrapped around Steve, and his arms still wrapped around you. This was the closest you’d been to him, and you wanted more. So much more. Looking up into his eyes was like looking out onto the ocean during a storm - deep blue and breathtaking.

But that shred of doubt that always haunted you made you pull away from him. You didn’t need these feelings. You couldn’t have these feelings. You just.. You couldn’t.

“So, what should we do?” Steve asked, noticing your need for change.

“Um-” you looked around, and your eyes landed on the house of mirrors- “Come on.” you said, smiling at Steve before making your way over.

A mirror maze could be fun. You gave Dale, the guy at the door a wave before entering with Steve- “Employee perks.” you shrugged.

You walked through the dark entryway and smiled whenever you entered the first lit up hallway, which was covered totally in mirrors - much like the rest of the house. You turned back to Steve and smiled as he looked around.

“Have you ever been in one of these before?” you asked.

“I can’t say I have.” He admitted.

“Well then-” you began with serious look on your face, but then quickly smiled and took off down one of the paths at the end of the hallway- “come and get me!”

You laughed as you turned down this way and that way, knowing the maze like the back of your hand. Your heart fluttered and you decided to slow down just a little bit. You really wanted Steve to catch up to you.

Stopping at a corner, you leaned around the mirror wall to see Steve’s reflection. He was catching up.

“You’re doing pretty good!” you shouted.

“I’m wha-?” Steve began, but upon hearing your voice, he walked straight into a wall, hitting his nose.

“Oh jeez!” you called out before running to him. He had been really close to catching up to you, “Are you okay?” you asked as you tried pulling on his hand, which was covering his nose.

He didn’t say a word until you finally got his hand away from his face. You expected to see a bloody nose, but he just smiled at you.

“You did that on purpose!” You said teasingly before punching him in the shoulder.

“I did.” He admitted as he laughed with you.

You took another moment to look up into his eyes, both of you still grinning at each other like a couple of children. You never let go of his hand though, not once. And after a moment, Steve laced his fingers with yours.

“No more running away.” Steve said as he looked down at you. He wanted to kiss you, you knew it. And you wanted to kiss him.

Just as his free hand came up and slowly cupped the side of your face, your eyes fluttered shut as you leaned into his touch. His thumb caressed your cheek, and you bit your bottom lip into your mouth.

“ _Move!_ ” a child shouted as you and Steve were ran into, ruining the moment.

Your eyes flew open and you had to catch your balance- “Hey no running!” you shouted.

Spinning around, your hand still intertwined with Steve’s, you started walking forward in the direction the kid went. You knew he was heading towards the exit, so that’s the way you went. Steve followed you silently through the rest of the maze, though the twists and turns you were making would have any normal person totally confused.

After you finally made your way out of the maze and outside, you spotted the kid, and walked up to him. He saw your name tag this time. You didn’t wear it all the time, but you were glad you wore it today. You let go of Steve as you got closer to the kid

“Hey, you can’t go in there any more, you could’ve hurt someone.” you said as you walked up to him, kneeling down to be on his level as you spoke.

“What?” the kid whined, “but I have all week passes!”

“Well I don’t know what to tell ya.” you responded.

“I promise i won’t run again I swear!” he exclaimed, now nearly in tears. He couldn’t have been more than ten years old, possibly younger.

“Well, I’ll tell you what,” you sighed, “what’s your name?”

“Aiden.”

“Well, Aiden, you see that food stand over there?” You pointed as you continued to talk, waiting for him to nod- “Come see me there tomorrow, and I’ll let you back into the mirror house. Okay?”

Aiden nodded again before looking at you once more and apologizing.

“It’s okay,” you assured him, “just don’t do it again, and come see me tomorrow.”

You stood back up and patted him on the shoulder before he ran off.

“You’re uh, you handled that really well.” Steve said as he walked up to you, placing his hand on his shoulder. You had forgotten that you were both in the middle of something before Aiden ran into you.

“Yeah,” you shrugged, “lots of kids on their own like that pass through here. That was me when I was that age.”

You looked over at Steve to see him smiling at you- “Hungry?” you asked.

“I could eat.” he admitted.

Now that you’d cooled off and had a little bit away from your stand, you were working up an appetite. You and Steve both walked back over to your stand to get some food.

You stuck to nachos and Steve had a corndog. You grabbed a couple bottles of water out of the cooler outside your window before leading Steve back behind your food stand and into the outer edge of the woods that were behind where you worked.

With Christmas lights strung up all around, in the pathway between some trees sat your big old van. A table sat outside next to it near the driver’s door with two chairs. You set your food down there before walking to the back and opening the doors up. You had the van totally decked out on the inside. This was where you lived. There was a bed, beads hung from the ceiling, and tapestries covered the walls. You loved calling it home and you wouldn’t leave behind it for anything.

“You live here?” Steve asked, you noticed he’d set his food down as well and come up to you.   
  
“I do.” you said proudly. You leaned inside and hit a button that lit up the Christmas lights. The sun would be going down soon and there was nothing you loved more than the mood that Christmas lights set.  
  
“It’s uh, quite nice.” Steve added.

“Thank you.” You turned and smiled up at him.

When you spun around, Steve didn’t back up at all. In fact, he grabbed your waist –gently, and shakily– and once again, the both of you felt that tingling in your chests.

But as one thought crossed your mind, one that reminded you that your soulmate didn’t exist, you pulled away.

“Let’s eat.” You said, and you acted as if you didn’t notice the disappointed sigh that Steve let out.

The two of you sat and talked for a long time. He told you about how his friend Dean kicked him out, and you told him about how your parents weren’t soulmates and how you were one of those “accident babies”. Which sounded funnier in your head than it did out loud.

“Well,  _I’m_  glad you were born, if it counts for anything.” Steve told you as he finished off his food.

You felt heat rising in your cheeks again and you only wished you could just let go, completely, “Anything you say counts for something.” you said shyly.

You toyed with your angel wing necklace as you sat back in the chair, and Steve only looked at you, his blue eyes sparkling from the Christmas lights. There was so much more to him than what he had told you. You could sense it. Maybe it was about where he was from, or maybe it was about his family. Hell, knowing your luck he was probably married with a couple of kids that he was going home to once he left here.

You glanced down at your phone and noticed it was near closing time, meaning you’d be needed to help clean and get ready for tomorrow soon.

“So,” you said before clearing your throat, “I hope you’re coming back tomorrow?”

Steve seemed especially happy that you’d suggested it. You were worried you’d scared him off with dodging him a while ago, “You want me to?”

“Of course!” you said, “I can’t get enough of you.”

For the first time you noticed Steve’s own skin turning a shade of red. You were mad at yourself for kind of sending mixed signals, but, maybe you’d get over yourself by tomorrow.

“I feel the same way, Y/N.” Steve said as he made eye contact with you.

You took in a deep breath as your heart skipped a beat.  _God,_  you wished you just had the guts to do something. You were a mixture of overly shy and incredibly bold right now and it was giving you whiplash.

Steve stood up, and you stayed seated to prevent any further embarrassment on your part. You kept your eyes straight ahead, causing you to jump whenever you felt Steve’s hand on your shoulder. You turned your head slightly, and froze whenever he placed his lips on your cheek, and leaving a gentle kiss. You gasped slightly, surprised, but you leaned into him for a moment before he pulled away.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said quietly before standing up straight again.

“I..uh..see you.” you managed to get out.

You turned to watch in your chair as he walked away to find him already watching you. Steve waved, and you waved back. Once he was gone, you were able to feel just how hot you were…all over.

You needed to pull your shit together.


	3. Shimmer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel has a few realizations. You take him on a ferris wheel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music to set the mood - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZFptFV5x4I

Castiel had been working at the Gas n’ Sip for awhile now, and he was quite good at his job. He was always early, always finished all of his work, and then some. But for the last two and a half days, his mind had been elsewhere.

He’d only been thinking of you.

Everything about you in Castiel’s eyes was perfect. There wasn’t a single flaw that he could place his finger on. He loved every little quirk of yours. He loved the sound of your voice, the way your hair flowed down your back, the sparkle in your y/e/c eyes.

Of course there was no way he could’ve possibly ignored your backside and the way that your hips swayed to the music you always seemed to have playing. And he loved the way that beautiful angel wing necklace of yours rested between your breasts comfortably.

He stirred his coffee as he stood behind the counter waiting for one of the regulars to finish his morning shopping, thinking of you for what had to be the millionth time that morning. Or rather, the only time if he was being honest with himself, you never left his mind for a second. And how could he blame himself? Castiel had never been in love before.

He of course planned on going back to the carnival again today. He had a hoped the two of you might engage in some other fun activity again. Hopefully one that involved being close to you. That of course was something he always hoped for, since the second you’d grabbed his arm and dragged him into your food stand.

To put it simply, Cas didn’t understand how he could possibly be in love after such a short span of time. He thought it might be because without his grace and as a human, he felt more emotions now than he’d ever felt before. Maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe it was just some sort of infatuation.

But then he remembered one little detail about soulmates as he ran his hand down over the right side of his ribcage, where his own tree of life was. He always thought that it was just his vessel’s - Jimmy Novak’s, but Jimmy had already found his soulmate, so if it had been Jimmy’s tree, it would’ve still had it’s colors on it. Not to mention, Jimmy was dead.

But Cas’ tree was bare. He’d examined it thoroughly, multiple times. There wasn’t a single speck of color to be seen. There was only the browning and falling of leaves as autumn hung heavy in the air.

The small detailed he remembered was: If an angel loses their grace at any point in their life, they will have a soulmate.

For the first time, as Cas set his coffee down to help the costumer he’d seen every morning since he’d begun working at the Gas n’ Sip, he realized that you just might be his soulmate.

He would have to remember to thank this customer however, as he was the one that suggested Cas check out the carnival.

His work day couldn’t have been any slower. He thought about many things as he watched the clock every chance he got. There of course, was the thought that you could possibly be his soulmate. There was also the thought that he should probably tell you his real name.

But what would you think of a man who introduced himself as one person, who is living his life as one person, but is really another? It would scare you right off. You left at the end of the week any how. Why would it matter anyway? There was no need to tell you his real name.

All Cas knew was, he needed to spend as much time with you as he could. And he needed to make a move.

-

You had gotten Beth to take over for you a little early today so that you could get cleaned up before Steve got there. You assumed he’d be there at three again, and you didn’t exactly feel like smelling like food and having your hair pulled back.

You woke up that morning knowing exactly what you wanted to do to get your shit together. You didn’t want to be afraid of kissing Steve anymore. You didn’t want to be afraid of having feelings for him. Your weren’t a child, feeling this way about someone was normal. Even if they weren’t your soulmate.

There was no way you could possibly deny how you felt about Steve any longer, not to him, not to yourself, and not even to Beth, who had been hounding you about it since day one.

You did however wish the thought of not having a soulmate would leave your mind already. It was your first thought when you woke up, and your first thought before you fell asleep. Your brain reminded you of how your parents weren’t meant to be together. It reminded you of how you were literally an accident. Your birth wasn’t supposed to be a possibility.

Standing in front of the mirror that you had hanging on the inside of your van’s door, you looked yourself over. You made sure to keep on that necklace that Steve seemed to like. You wore a simple pair of jeans (maybe they were a bit tighter than normal), and a plain black tank top, all paired with your slightly less worn out pair of converse. You touched up your makeup slightly, not that you wore makeup very often to begin with.

You were occupied with trying not to stab yourself in the eye with your eyeliner when you heard someone clear your throat behind you. You looked up in the mirror and smiled when you saw Steve. You tossed the pencil to the side and spun around.

“You’re early.” you said with a smile on your face.

He shrugged before he stepped closer to you. Your breath hitched with every step he took towards you. You brought one hand to your necklace for comfort as your heart pounded in your chest. You were still much more nervous than you wanted to be. But then you reminded yourself that this wasn’t you.

Steve took your hand in his and held it for a moment, caressing it with his thumb- “You were worth leaving early.” Before you could respond, he brought your hand up to his lips, and he placed a soft kiss on the back, causing your heart to attempt to leap out of your chest.

“I um-” you started when you’d finally gathered yourself- “I left early for you too.”

A smile tugged at the corners of Steve’s mouth and before he could say anything else you laced your fingers with his- “Come on, I know what we’re gonna do today.”

You looked up and met his smile with your own as you pulled him along, not bothering to check if you closed the door to your van or not. But honestly, you didn’t care right now. One thing you couldn’t get over about being with Steve, was that it was like words weren’t even needed. You could just- be together.

You and Steve walked hand in hand, smiling like a couple of idiots. You led him all through the fair grounds, not stopping once until you reached the ferris wheel.

You looked at the line, it wasn’t very long since it was still kind of early in the day. People were still at work and school. Though maybe you should’ve waited until the sunset for this. You caught yourself before your thoughts went any farther, however. It was fine. You were sure Steve didn’t care what time it was. And you knew that you shouldn’t care either.  You were with him. That’s all that mattered.

“The ferris wheel?” Steve asked as he looked up at it. Your carnival had one of the largest ferris wheels that could travel in the entire country. It was truly a sight to be seen.

“Yep. Just wait until you see the view from up there.” you said excitedly.

You looked over at Steve and watched as he nervously licked his lips and tightened his grip on your hand. The line was short enough that by the time you walked up, it was time to get on. Steve never once let go of your hand as you both sat down and as you secured the lap bar in place. Had you not worked there, one of the workers would’ve had to do it for you.

“A-are you nervous, Steve?” you asked whenever his grip on your hand tightened.

“I haven’t been on one of these before.” He confessed.

“Really?” You laughed as you looked over at him. His side pressed against yours, even though there was quite a bit of room on the bench. It was like he needed to be right next to you, and whenever you realized this, you felt that tingling again, that one that almost never went away when you were around Steve now.

“I actually-” Steve began as the ferris wheel began to move so that the next couple of people could get on, but his free arm shot around to your arm- “don’t think I’m very fond of heights.”

You couldn’t help but giggle whenever Steve clung to you. And you couldn’t help but feel slightly lightheaded whenever the smell of his minty breath hit you, and suddenly his face was just inches from yours as the ferris wheel rose higher.

You made eye contact with him briefly before the ferris wheel moved again, bringing you to the very top before he looked out a head, and tightened his grip on your arm as if it would save his life.

“I-I don’t think I can do this.” he said as he looked around. You looked around as well, the view from atop a ferris wheel was always breathtaking. You loved it.

“Y/N.” Steve repeated.

“Well, there’s no stop button.” you giggled as the ride was ready to go. One of Steve’s hands moved down and gripped your knee, and you took your free arm and placed it over his hand.

“Sorry-” He began, but couldn’t get much more in as you were laughing.

“No-” you said, “ _I’m_ sorry. I shouldn’t be-”

You couldn’t finish your sentence at this point because of how hard you were laughing; and you couldn’t help but notice the way that Steve was staring at you, completely horrified. Which didn’t help your laughing problem. His crystal eyes sparkled with fear and his lip quivered slightly as the ride lifted you both back into the air, making another round.

“You’re beautiful.” Was all Steve managed to say before his hand that had been laced with yours pulled away and came up to cup the side of your face.

This was when you stopped laughing completely. It’s when everything else faded away and all you could see was Steve’s sparkling blue eyes boring into you. It’s when you glanced down at his lips and your entire body froze. It’s when he leaned forward, bringing his lips just a breath away from yours.

Everything moved in slow motion, the only thing you were aware of at this moment was the way your stomach flipped whenever the ferris wheel moved around and around. Mere seconds later, Steve closed the gap when he realized that you weren’t going to pull away this time. You were his, and this was his chance. You unintentionally moaned from the contact, immediately feeling that tingle in your chest grow into something more.

Almost like magic, you felt a warming in your entire body as your lips moved against Steve’s. Your hand moved up to cup his cheek as well while his chapped yet soft lips told you exactly how he felt about you. You whimpered slightly when Steve gently pushed his tongue into your mouth. You never wanted this to stop. But before you knew it, the ride slowed down to a stop, and it was almost your turn to get off, so you both reluctantly pulled away. Your eyes never stopped watching his, and vice versa.

He rested his forehead against yours briefly. No words needed to be said as you waited for your seat to reach the ground. He loved you, you could feel it. You could nearly read his mind. Which was only going to make the remainder of your days here in this town that much harder.

You began to breathe again when you both had to get off the ride, but you wouldn’t budge without Steve. You pulled him along until you were away from any people so that you wouldn’t get in the way before you stopped, spun on your heels to face him, and pull him down to crash his lips into yours once more. His hands found your waist while you gripped onto the front of his shirt. The feeling that his kiss caused almost overwhelming you to the point of tears.

The rest of the by went by quickly, too quickly. In the blink of an eye, Steve had to leave. Though you’d be lying if you said you didn’t want him right next to you in your van that night. But you insisted he go. You said that neither of you needed to be late for work. It was easy to tell that Steve wanted to take it a few steps further, but honestly, you just didn’t have the heart to tell him that you were a virgin.


	4. Drops of Jupiter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after your perfect first kiss with Steve doesn’t quite turn out how you’d expect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music to set the mood - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lORcpT89t9c

Scratch that. Scratch  _all_ of that. You should’ve known better. You should’ve known that Steve wouldn’t call, or come back to the carnival. You didn’t have a soulmate and you shouldn’t have let your feelings get the best of you. You shouldn’t have gotten your hopes up.

Steve didn’t want you. The universe _had_  to have been playing a trick on you.

Yesterday was one of the best days of your life. So what if you didn’t get any further than first base? It was more than you’d ever done with anyone. Making out for what had to be hours. And Steve couldn’t have been more respectful. He never once asked you or encouraged you to do anything else, and hell, if you were being honest - you could swear he was inexperienced as well. Though you weren’t experienced enough to be able to tell for sure.

It was all one big stupid circle, and none of it made sense.  _This is why I ran away from home when I was seventeen,_  you reminded yourself. Well, it was one of the reasons. The main one was your abusive father, who had only gotten meaner after your mother had died. You’d always wished that he would’ve left, or drank himself to death, or something, but he didn’t. And you hated him for it. You wondered why they stayed together at all, considering they weren’t soulmates.  

You spent most of your afternoon still in your food stand, refusing to give it up to Beth. You needed to keep your mind off of Steve…as best as you could anyway. Wednesday was busy, so you were cooking a lot. Your phone rested on your table just in case Steve called, but at this point you doubted that you’d ever hear from him again.

“ _Dammit!_ ” you shouted out of frustration when grease splattered on you, you hadn’t exactly been putting your heart into your cooking today. That, and it was nearing seven o’clock, which meant you’d been working for nearly ten hours straight.

“Y/N!” You heard Beth shout from your open door, “Get out of here, go take a break.”

“I’m fine.” you insisted. At least you were burning yourself and not the food.

“Y/N.” Beth repeated as she stepped up next to you and hip checked you out of the way- “Get out of here. Go take a walk.”

You were beginning to feel incredibly angry at this point. Who the hell was she to kick you out of your own food stand? You didn’t need a break. You didn’t want one. You stood there, staring at your phone as you took off your apron and tossed it down.

All in all, you were truly grateful for Beth. She never blamed you when you got overwhelmed, and you knew she wouldn’t be mad at you later when you came back to help close up. Which, you would have to do since Steve was very obviously a no show today. You shook your head and made yourself a lemon shake up before grabbing your phone and storming off outside.

The autumn air was incredible. You felt just the slightest bit of relief when you stepped outside and made your way back to your van. Leaves were falling and crunching under your feet while you listened to the sounds of people enjoying the carnival. Children laughing, music playing, just happiness. This was why you came here. It’s why you started your life here. Because everyone was happy. You could be happy amongst others who were happy.

You huffed a bit as you opened up your van, climbed in, and leaned against the wall while sitting on your bed. Reaching to the side, you grabbed your bottle of vodka and dumped a few shots in your drink. You needed it.

This was stupid. You were worried about nothing. You remembered your conversation with Beth the other day and the whole ‘fling’ ordeal. You weren’t supposed to actually give a shit about Steve. But you did. You  _really_  gave a shit about him. And right now, he was all you wanted. As the sun set, as the air got a little chiller, you just wanted him here, with you.

You sipped on your lemon shakeup a little faster now that it had some vodka in it and before long you were feeling warm and fuzzy. Warm and fuzzy enough to not be upset that is. You’d ended up just playing a game on your phone for a couple of hours, and before long, it was almost ten o’clock.

“Hey.” You jumped and looked up to see Steve standing there, at the door to your van.

“Steve.” you said, slightly confused, why would he show up now?

“What do you do when the weather gets too harsh?” He asked you, acting as if the fact that he’d been MIA all day was no big deal. 

_It wasn’t a big deal, Y/N, stop thinking like that._

“I uh, I just stay in a motel.” you answered.

Steve had reached up to hold onto the top of your van and leaned against it while he looked at you. He felt bad. He didn’t expect you to do anything, but he wished you would- “I worked the closing shift tonight,” he began, “haven’t eaten, got anything left over?”

You knew you were being dramatic. He worked the damn closing shift at the Gas n’ Sip. Of course, “Probably, come on.” 

The smile was back on your face as you crawled forward to get out of the van, only Steve didn’t move out of your way. And you knew exactly why. You sat up on your knees, bringing yourself eye level with him. Steve was quick to close the small bit of distance between the two of you, and press his lips to yours. You sighed into him, missing the feeling of his lips on yours. Missing the feeling of your chest tingling and warming and feeling like this was meant to be, even if it wasn’t.

While Steve had his arms up, you wrapped your arms around his waist, deepening the kiss. It wasn’t long before he wrapped his arms around you as well, but when you heard his stomach growling, you pulled away.

“Come on, let’s go get you some food.” You snuck in one more quick kiss before playfully pushing him out of the way and getting out of your van.

You led him through the small bit of trees and smiled when he took your hand in his. The carnival was closing so it was time to clean up anyway, and Beth was just stepping out as you and Steve walked up.

“Oh look who it is-” Beth teased as she wiped her hands off on a wash cloth she was holding before tossing it to you- “Cleaned up for ya.”

“Thanks,” you told her, smiling, “and I’m sorry for earlier.”

Beth shrugged, “I probably would’ve been the same way, see ya tomorrow.”

And with that, she walked off, and you and Steve stepped inside your food stand. You clicked on your radio and got to work reheating whatever left over food there was, you were quite hungry as well. You hoped Steve wouldn’t ask what Beth was talking about, because how embarrassing would it be if you had to explain all of that?

-

Another hour later and things had become a bit more serious between you and Steve. He told you of how he was kicked out of his friend Dean’s house because there were people after him, and Dean didn’t want anyone after him. Though it was all confusing, and there were some things that didn’t quite line up, you still felt bad for him.

What the hell kind of friend was this Dean? If he had a place for Steve that was safe, why the hell kick him out?

“Well you better hope I never see this Dean.” you said as you leaned back in your seat.

“Why’s that?” Steve replied as he took a bite of the churro you fired up the deep fryer at 10:30pm to make.  
  
“Because I’d rip him a new one for kicking you out like that.” you said with pride. You didn’t know what it was, but you began to feel very protective over Steve. You didn’t like the idea of anyone doing him wrong.

The corners of Steve’s mouth turned up slightly, you could tell he was flattered. A pleasantly silent moment went by before he spoke up again- “So, how exactly did you get here?”

Your heart skipped a beat. You knew this question was coming. You knew Steve wanted to know more about you. And, you didn’t mind telling him. But it was hard.

“Well, you already knew I’d ran away from home when I was a teenager,” you began, taking a deep breath as you came up with the strength, “After my mom died when I was sixteen, my dad…took it out on me.”

The look on Steve’s face changed from a curious one, to one of concern- “Y/N..”  
  
“No, it’s okay. Really.” you insisted, “There’s no huge story, nothing bigger than my dad beating the daylights outta me a few times, and then knocking me around on normal days.”

“That is a big deal.” Steve said, reaching out and taking your hand in his.

“Not anymore. The big deal is that I was strong enough to get away.” You added while you allowed Steve to lace his fingers with yours.

“I suppose you’re right-” he took the opportunity to scoot his chair closer to yours, not that you minded at all- “why don’t you talk about your mother?”

It was like Steve could read your mind. You did wanna talk about your mom. You hadn’t been able to talk about her in such a long time. It’s not that no one would let you talk about her, just anyone that mattered to you..already knew.

“She was wonderful.” you said, smiling as you kept your eyes on you and Steve’s interlocked hands, “She always assured me that I was meant to be born, even though that’s just not true.” Your voice was slightly shaky when you told that bit of the story.

“That is true.” Steve began, “If you weren’t born, I never would’ve met you.” His voice was slightly shaky as well, at the thought of you not existing. But then one small realization hit you.  
  
 _Please don’t say you love me_ , you thought.

“Tell me more.” He insisted.

“I couldn’t possibly…put into words how amazing she was.” And you couldn’t. Even though it’d been nearly fifteen years since she’d passed. You sometimes felt like you missed her more and more everyday, “Whenever I ran away from home, and found this place, I could hear her voice in the back of my head telling me about finding my purpose in life.”

“You believe you’re meant to be here?” Steve asked.

“I do,” you began, “Everywhere I go with this carnival, I get to see people be happy. I get to help make them happy. This place, it’s an escape for everyone. Real life doesn’t matter when you’re here.” And luckily, since you lived and travelled with the carnival, you believed you’d never have to, ‘deal with real life’.

“And not to mention,” you began again, “I’m never…  _stuck_  when I’m travelling. I’m never expected to stay in one place. I meet people from all over, and it’s just.. It’s who I am.”

Words couldn’t describe how bright the smile on Steve’s face shined.

_He loves you,_  you thought. It was plain as day.

“You are…incredible.” He told you.

You could feel your face turn red. Would this feeling with him ever go away? Would you be able to get over this by the time you had to leave?

“I think you’re pretty great too.” you said as Steve’s free hand moved up to cup your cheek. His thumb caressed your face as you leaned into his touch. Your heart swelled whenever he leaned in and kissed you, deeper this time than any other kiss before. The taste of cinnamon filled your senses as his tongue danced along your bottom lip, causing your breath to hitch.

A quiet moan –that you were sure you weren’t supposed to hear– came from Steve as you both shakily expressed your feelings for each other through kissing. He’d have to leave soon. You knew it. But that didn’t stop you from wishing this moment could last forever.


	5. Stay With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Steve spend another wonderful evening together, ending with him asking you a question you aren’t quite sure you’re ready for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music to set the mood - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rC8RRXcfeo

“ _Okay okay okay_! Show off.” you teased as you stepped up and took the toy gun from Steve. You two were playing shoot the bottle and he hit every single one on the first try.

“You think that you can do better?” He questioned as he wrapped his arms around your waist from behind and rested his chin on your shoulder. It was a bit chillier this evening, so you and Steve were a bit closer. Not that you would’ve had it any other way.

“Maybe.” you held up the plastic shotgun and lined up the inaccurate sight and aimed for the plastic bottles.

You totally lied. You had no chance of shooting any of the bottles with Steve wrapped around you like he was. But you pulled the worn out, and almost broken trigger anyway, and hit just the edge of one of the plastic bottles. You could feel Steve smiling with his face pressed against yours just before he turned and placed a soft kiss on your neck, right behind your ear - sending chills all through you.

It didn’t take much for you to set the gun down and turn your head to the side and kiss him.  _God-_  he was perfect. Every time the two of you touched in anyway you were on fire and you never got used to it. There was this feeling in the pit of your stomach that you couldn’t explain and you were kind of nauseous but in a good way. In a  _really_  good way.

“Are we playing more games?” He asked when you had both managed to peel yourselves off of each other.

“ _We can-_ ” you said, spinning around to face him and wrapping your arms around the back of his neck- “but we’ve already won like, enough huge stuffed animals to last us the rest of our lives.”

Steve raised his eyebrows as he looked down at you, and remembered the three larger than life teddy bears resting at your feet- “The rest of our lives?”

You blushed and looked down, feeling Steve’s grip on your waist tighten just slightly- “Well, nothing lasts forever..”

You weren’t entirely sure if you regretted what you’d just said, but you also weren’t entirely sure what it meant.

Out of the corner of your eye, you caught the sight of a familiar child, the one you kicked out of the mirror maze the other night, Aiden. You instantly pulled away from Steve as Aiden walked over to you with a friend of his.

“Hey there.” you said to him, and his face lit up.  
  
“Hey, I haven’t been in the maze again..” He trailed off.

“Well I told you to come see me the next day and I’d let you back in-” You leaned over and grabbed two of the giant teddy bears and handed one to Aiden, and one to his friend- “you can go back in and here…have some bears!”

“U-um.. thank you!” Aiden smiled up at you and you smiled back as he ran off with his friend.

“So now we  _don’t_  have enough stuffed animals to last us the rest of our lives.” Steve said very matter-of-factly.

“Guess not-” you agreed as you went to pick up the other one- “but we do have this one.”

Smiling at each other, you took Steve’s hand in yours and started the walk back to your van. Things had been great today. Great as in, you both seemed to need each other. You needed your hands on him, he needed his hands on you. And as the sun had set, things had gotten…touchier, for lack of a better word.

“So where are you headed to after this?” Steve asked you as you both weaved through the carnival’s activities.

“Um,” you began, trying to remember where exactly the carnival was heading next, “I know we’re covering the rest of Idaho..and then we’re moving on to Arizona.”

Steve was quiet for a moment, you were almost back to your van, it was completely dark outside now, and chilly, but the grounds were still lively.

“Do you ever consider staying somewhere?” he asked you, and you knew that question took courage.

“No. If I keep moving, life stays easy.” you said quickly. You were also quick to open the door to your van when you got there, and climb in.

Steve stood outside, like he was waiting for an invitation. He looked cold. Which for some reason was making you…antsy, like you wanted to warm him up.

“Come on.” you encouraged him, lightly patting the space next to you as you crossed your legs on the bed that took up the entire back of your van.

Steve did that little thing where one corner of his mouth turns up, and he did as you asked, crawling in the van. You shifted and moved forward a bit to close the door behind him, and you brought your hand up to cover your mouth to keep yourself from laughing whenever Steve hit his head.  
  
“You okay?” you asked, kneeling in front of him, at the foot of the bed.

He rubbed his head a bit, but just looked down at you- “I’m fine.”

There was another moment of silence between the two of you. Steve was eye level with you and you were close, very close. You felt his gaze shift between your eyes and your lips and…lower in the dimly lit vehicle.

“Y/N..” He said, his voice low, low enough to be considered a whisper.

You didn’t say anything and you didn’t give him the chance to say anything else before you grabbed onto his shirt and pulled him down over you as you laid back on the bed. His lips were on yours without any prompt and you just needed to be with him. You wanted to touch him, you wanted to  _taste_  him.

He settled between your legs as your tongue rolled against his and he held himself up with one arm while his other hand moved down to your waist and made it’s way up under your shirt. His fingertips were warm on your skin, rough yet soft, and hungry for touch.

Steve rolled his hips against you and the heat between your legs became undeniable. You responded by lightly bucking your hips up and taking any small bit of friction that you could. It wasn’t until Steve began kissing your neck that you needed to stop- “Steve.”

“Hmm?” He responded, and looked up at you.

“I’ve never..I’ve never um-” You began, and you were kind of embarrassed of it. Even though you shouldn’t have been. You had good reason for preserving your virginity.

“I see..” He responded after a moment, but moving back up to kiss you before saying anything else- “You want to stop?”

“I..no- but, I um, I don’t know.” you stuttered.

Steve kissed your gently again before pulling back and sitting up- “We don’t have to.”

Though there was that little part of him that wanted to encourage you, that wanted to remind you that if you had sex, you would then know if you were soulmates or not. He knew that whenever climax was reached during sex, and only during sex- that your tree would temporarily glow in color if the person you were with was your soulmate. But he knew you were aware of this. He would never encourage you to do anything you didn’t want to.

“I just..I don’t have a-” you started again.  
  
“Neither do I.” Steve said as he turned to the side and leaned against the wall of your van.

You closed your eyes as you sat up and reached for your necklace. You were never quite sure if reaching for your necklace was a nervous tick or a comfort thing. Either way, the feeling you had when you grabbed it was never that great.

“Maybe we can just-” you began, finally looking up at Steve- “keep doing what we were doing?”

Steve swallowed thickly as he looked at you with nothing but adoration in his eyes, “We can do whatever you want.”

_Fuck, he really is great_ , you thought, and you crawled forward up to Steve, swung your leg over his lap and straddled him, his eyes never leaving yours for a second. You slowly peeled your sweater off, and as you did so, Steve’s hands came up to lightly grip onto your waist.

You moved slow, Steve moved slow. You drank each other in. It was  _intimate_. In between kissing and the gentle rolling of your hips, Steve’s shirt was soon unbuttoned and your shirt came off- leaving you in only your bra. Though you weren’t as exposed to him as you could be, Steve acted as if you were by pulling your chest against his. His bare skin warming you in the cool air, as your lips moved in sync with his. His hands roamed your body and your hands tangled into his hair.

You wanted to reach for his belt. You wanted to undo his pants. You wanted to take yours off. You wanted to feel all of him. You were ready for it, you knew it. But that one thought of  _what if I fall for him and he ends up having a soulmate that’s not me?_ Crossed your mind and it stopped you dead in your tracks.

Sex was too far. Especially for someone who wasn’t even meant to be born in the first place.

So you found your pleasure with Steve by rocking your hips back and forth as he stayed leaning against the wall. You could feel just how hard he was through your jeans, and you used that to your advantage. Each small moan that left your mouth had him pulling you closer, and had him desperate for more.

Each groan or whimper that came from him made you pull on his hair a little harder, it made you desperate for more. But neither of you gave in. A few minutes later you made the bold move of reaching around behind your back and unclasping your bra.

You pulled back slightly to allow the garment to fall off of your shoulders, and then you sat up straight, pulling your lips from Steve’s to show him a part of yourself that needed to be touched.

Once again, you could feel Steve drinking you in. He looked down at your breasts and you only reached down for his hand and brought it up, allowing him to run it across your skin, starting at your waist– and then before long, he was gently taking your breast in his hand, squeezing gently, brushing his thumb over your sensitive nipple, which naturally had you rolling your hips again.

“ _Steve._.”

“You’re beautiful.” He said, trying to pull your mind away from where it was headed. You said you didn’t want to have sex, so he wasn’t going to have sex with you.

“You’re perfect.” you whispered, and you meant it. His blue eyes sparkled as you looked at him, as he looked at you.

He shifted and pulled you close to him again before he laid you back on the bed. He sat up for only a second to finish taking his shirt off before he was back to kissing you. Your hands were on his bare, hot, and firm chest, feeling the muscles move underneath his skin as his hands roamed your body.

Steve rolled his hips into you like he did before, his erection at just the right angle to push you over the edge if he kept it up. He must’ve been able to tell from the way you moaned into his mouth, so he did it again, and again. He was breathing heavily and so were you, both of you so desperate that you were already close.

“ _I’m gonna._.” you breathed whenever Steve’s lips left yours so that he could bury his face in the crook of your neck.

“ _Come._ ” Was all he said in response, in a broken voice as he continued to roll his hips.

“ _Yeah-_ ” your moans grew louder, your breaths grew shorter, and you closed your eyes tight just as the tightening in your lower belly released, allowing your release to take over. You’d never had an orgasm with someone else before and before you knew it, you were already coming down. But it was incredible. You were as close to Steve as you were ever going to get, and even though that hurt a little, you let it be a good thing as well.

Steve brought his lips back up to yours to kiss you softly. He had stopped rolling his hips as soon as your muscles relaxed.

“Did you-?” you asked

He shook his head- “Don’t worry about me.”

“Steve-” you said as you pushed him back. There was no way that was fair.

There was a new feeling between the two of you, you felt much more comfortable with him now, and you made him roll over onto his back.

“Y/N, you really don’t have to do anything.”   
  
“But I want to.” You said. You laid next to him on your bed, and your and slid down his chest until it hovered over his erection, still just as hard as before and still trapped in his jeans.

You didn’t let him say a word as you managed to undo his belt buckle and pants. You just kept your lips on his. Slowly, you reached into his pants, underneath his boxers, and smoothed your hand over him. He groaned and tensed up, trying to keep from bucking his hips, trying to just let you do what you wanted.

After a moment you felt comfortable enough to wrap your hand around him and pull him from his boxers. The way he responded to your every touch only encouraged you, it made you feel more and more comfortable with him. You began to slowly pump him until you were sure you were doing it right- which you were judging by all of the whimpering and heavy breathing.

You moved faster and faster, you smoothed your thumb over the tip, which made him involuntarily thrust up. You did it again, and again, and seconds later his body tensed, his erection swelled slightly and twitched, and you felt his sticky hot release coat your hand- your lips never once leaving his as he groaned into your mouth.

His breathing steadied as you pumped him until he had nothing left. You kissed him until you could feel he was now tired, so only then did you pull away and sit up to reach for an old shirt or something to clean up with.

“Steve?” you said as you wiped your hand off on yesterday’s shirt before handing it to Steve to clean up.

“Yes?” He responded, sitting up upon cleaning himself and fixing his pants.

“Can you stay with me tonight?” You felt weird for asking, but you just wanted to stay in his arms for as long as you could.

“I can.” he agreed, and then reached for your shirt that you were wearing before, and handing it to you. You slid it back on and Steve slid on his shirt, leaving it unbuttoned so that when you both laid back down, your head could rest on his bare chest. You both kicked your shoes off and covered up as you got comfortable.

“Y/N?” he asked as his steadying breaths mixed with the sound of his suddenly quickening heartbeat that was lulling you into a sleep state.  
  
“Yeah?” you yawned.

“You should… you should stay,” he began nervously, “You should stay here. In Idaho, with me.” 


	6. Yellow Ledbetter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You tell Steve whether or not you're going to stay in Idaho with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the song that they dance to at the end of the chapter, listen for maximum feels - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhJ65v_C-eI

It was meant to be. It was  _always_  meant to be. It was the very reason why Castiel had been the one to rescue Dean from the pit. It was why the Leviathans had been freed from Purgatory. It was why the angels fell, and why Metatron took his grace. It was why Dean told him he couldn’t stay in the bunker with him and Sam.

It was all so that he could meet you.

You and Castiel  _were_  soulmates. You had to be. There was no other rational explanation for his feelings. He had felt things for other women before. Hell, he’d  _been_  with another woman before. But  _none_  of it compared to how he felt with you.

He’d heard it described before, the feeling you get when you find your soulmate. The tingling sensation that happens in your chest when you touch, the nausea, the warming comfort you feel when the two of you were together. Castiel felt all of that, with you. And he was sure you’d felt the same.

Cas sat down on a flipped over bucket in the supply closet. Nora hadn’t come into work yet and work wasn’t busy - so he took the time to sit down for a moment. His elbows rested on his knees as he held his face in his hands. There was an overwhelming emptiness in the pit of his stomach. You were leaving tomorrow. He could feel it.

The night before, when he’d asked you to stay in Idaho with him, you asked if you could think about it. But he’d heard that excuse used by humans before. You were going to say no, and it was the most unbearable thought Cas had ever had.

He didn’t understand why you wouldn’t want to stay. Castiel didn’t understand why you wouldn’t feel the  _need_  to stay. He closed his eyes tight when he felt tears trying to spill over when he heard the door out on the floor ding. There were customers that needed taking care of, he could pity himself later.

Standing up, Castiel reminded himself that if he couldn’t have you, he didn’t want to live.

–

Shakily putting your van in park, you began questioning yourself. Should you really be doing this? Of course you should. If you were going to tell Steve that no, you weren’t going to stay, the least you could do is tell him in person.

You tried not to feel bad. But you felt  _horrible_. How could you allow yourself to have feelings for someone when you have no soulmate? Why would you let yourself become attached, when someone could get torn away from you at any moment upon finding who they’re truly meant to be with?

You looked up, squinting slightly until your eyes landed on Steve. He was working and you were here to… well you weren’t sure what you were here to do. He seemed to be talking to someone, someone he knew maybe. A friend? Who knows.

Steve noticed you the second you stepped out of your van, and you notice his face light up. Naturally, you smiled back at him through the window of the Gas n’ Sip. The man he was talking to turned around as you opened the door and walked in. He was just slightly taller than Steve, with short light brown hair and green eyes that could cut through you almost as Steve’s blue eyes could.

“Y/N..” Steve said as you walked up to him. He proudly wrapped his arm around you and this mysterious green-eyed man just watched the two of you like you were insane.

“Hey Steve,” you looked up at him, ignoring the fact that the man standing in front of you both was watching you like a hawk, “thought maybe you could stay over again tonight?”

You didn’t miss the amused way the man’s eyebrows raised upon hearing your invitation. Steve looked at you as if to say he’d answer you in a moment.

“Y/N, this is Dean.” Steve said, “Dean, Y/N.”

“Wait a minute,  _Dean_? The same Dean that kicked you out when you needed help?”

You noticed Dean take in a deep breath and look off to the side before speaking, obviously getting ready for the blast he knew he was about to get, “Yeah yeah, I’m that Dean.”

“Steve, why would you even talk to him?” you turned to look at him and he just stood there, speechless.

“Friends talk to each other.” Dean butted in.  
  
“I didn’t ask  _you_.”

“Y/N-” Steve began, but you held your hand up.  
  
“Dean. Nice of you to stop by, but  _you can’t stay_.” You were slightly nervous, this side of you didn’t normally make an appearance. But you just felt like you needed to protect Steve, in anyway that you could. Dean told Steve he couldn’t stay, so you told Dean that he couldn’t stay. He was lucky that Steve had you.  _Where’s all this coming from?_  You asked yourself. You weren’t typically spiteful person. Hell, you weren’t typically the protective type. But then again, you’d never felt the need to protect anyone.  
  
“Ca- _Steve_ , you better get your old lady.” Dean wore a smirk on his face that completely finished off your opinion of him.

“Excuse you?” you started to say, raising your voice as your brows furrowed but you were cut off by Steve leaning over and crashing his lips against yours in a quick, rough, and breathtaking kiss and he didn’t stop until he felt your muscles relax.

When he pulled away, you kept your gaze on him- “Wait for me outside, my shift’s almost over.” The calm in his voice made you forget everything you wanted to say to Dean that surely would have caused things to escalate into a heavy argument.

So you did as Steve asked. You reluctantly pulled away from him to go wait outside, by your van. The last thing you needed to do was cause a scene at his work.

Not fifteen minutes later, Steve and Dean were both walking out of the small gas station. You avoided eye contact with Dean as he walked off to his car, and as Steve made his way to you. You were sitting in the driver’s seat of your van with the door open, letting the air circulate throughout the vehicle.

“I’m sorry.” was the first thing that came out of your mouth as Steve walked up to your door. You turned in the seat so that your feet hang off the side and your legs were spread just far enough that Steve could stand in between them. He placed his hands on your thighs and brought his lips to yours before saying anything.  
  
“Don’t be sorry.” he assured you, bringing one hand up to the side of your face. His thumb brushed against your cheek as he leaned his forehead against yours- “you have nothing to be sorry for.”

He wanted an answer. You could feel it. He wanted to know if you would stay. He wanted you to stay. With him.

“But I do.” You whispered as you both made eye contact. You could see the hurt in his eyes. You needed to tell him. But not yet.

“So,” you pulled back to sit up straight and talk to him, “stay the night again?”

“I would, but I told my manager I would babysit for her.” Steve said as his hands went back to resting on the tops of your thighs.

“Oh well, you can come after..” you suggested.

The corners of Steve’s mouth turned up slightly at your still open invitation- “I’d like that.”

“So..” you began, not sure how to ask- “Dean.”

“Yes, Dean can be…  _Dean_.”

“No I mean, did he.. I thought he-” you really were unsure of how to go about it, and maybe it was nothing, but you couldn’t get it out of the back of your head- “Is your name really Steve? I know it doesn’t really matter but I just, I could swear Dean started to call you something else in there and I-”

Steve seemed to be good at cutting you off by kissing you today. Not that you really cared much at all. His lips moved in perfect sync with yours and you no longer tried to hold back the moan that escaped you when his tongue rolled against yours.

“He mixes things up sometimes. I’m just Steve.” He said as he pulled away, still smiling at you, “I love the way you ramble like that sometimes.”

You laughed lightly before spending a few more minutes with him. Steve explained that he had promised to help Dean while he was in town as well. He spared some details as to what he was helping Dean with, but you didn’t mind. It didn’t really matter.

After a kiss goodbye, you were off, back to the carnival to work until Steve got done doing what he had to do or until the carnival closed. You were excited to spend more time with him but also incredibly bent out of shape about it, remembering once again that you would have to tell him no.

-

It was nearly eleven o’clock at night before Steve showed up. His wrist was hurt, but he assured you that he was okay. The two of you were out by your van, the lights you had strung up still creating the perfect little atmosphere for you to be alone together.

You and Steve sat at your small table and chairs and picked at leftovers from your food stand while music played in the background.

“So,” Steve began, “Did you decide?”  
Your heart dropped out of your chest and into your stomach. You swallowed thickly and looked down at your hands. You’d been dreading this moment all day, and you hated yourself for what you were about to say- “I uh, I can’t.”

“Can’t…decide?” Steve asked.  
  
You instantly felt tears prick your eyes. You never thought you’d be this torn up over it. But if you were to stay, the both of you would only get hurt, and you knew it- “Steve I can’t… I can’t stay.”

He nodded slowly and looked away, for a moment the two of you let the music that you had playing drown out any thoughts you both had. Steve knew why you didn’t want to stay. But he didn’t think it meant you  _couldn’t_  stay. He knew that you were afraid of getting too involved. Steve also knew that you didn’t think you had a soulmate- but would you have a tree on your arm if you didn’t?

You had ignored it last night, the way Steve’s tree fit perfectly on his rib cage. You’d felt the need to run your hand over it, to pay attention to it - but you stopped yourself. It wasn’t yours. Steve wasn’t yours. He had a soulmate out there in the world somewhere- that wasn’t you, and that’s one of the reasons why you couldn’t stay.

When the next song came on the radio, you had an idea to break the bit of tension and heartbreak that was very obviously weighing heavily on you and Steve, “Dance with me.”

“I’ve never-” he started, but before he could finish, you were out of your seat and pulling him to his feet.

You guided his arms to your waist and your arms wrapped around the back of his neck. You helped him move you both around slowly, showing him that dancing wasn’t as hard as he might’ve thought. The closeness however, was hard. It was almost agonizing in fact. You of course felt the same connection with Steve that you had been all week, but there was also some other feeling. Like a hole, in the pit of your stomach, an ache in your heart. Only amplified.

Once the two of you found a steady rhythm, Steve felt comfortable enough to bring your arms down to his waist, to run a hand through your hair, and to pull you close with the other arm. Your head rested against his chest and in the cool air surrounding you, he kept you warm, and you kept him warm.

“Please,” You heard Steve say quietly as he leaned down to press a kiss to the top of your head, “please stay.”

You looked up, right into his beautiful sapphire eyes. They sparkled a bit more than usual, but when a tear rolled down his cheek, you realized that was why.

“I-I can’t.” You surprised yourself by how clearly you spoke, given the lump you felt in your throat. But you did see more tears escape Steve’s eyes, and stream down his face as he silently begged you to stay.  _Shit_. This was exactly why you never got involved with anyone.

“Y/N, I-I’m in love with you. I need you to..I need you to stay.” He admitted just before pressing his lips to your forehead. But you pulled back and looked back up at him, encouraging him to lean down and press his lips to yours.

There was absolutely no way you would  _ever_  get used to this- the way you felt when he was this close. And there was no way you would  _ever_  be able to forget that he told you he loved you. You would surely think about it forever. You’d think about it years from now when he would’ve more than likely found his soulmate, that wasn’t you. None of this would matter then. You were prepared to be a memory, a forgotten one at that.

You could feel Steve’s bottom lip quiver as he continued to kiss you gingerly, as his tongue slipped into your mouth to taste and to feel as much of you as he possibly could. It was obvious how badly he thought he needed you. Hell, if you allowed yourself, you’d think about how you  _thought_  you needed him.

You were in love with him too, but there was no way you would say it. Not now, not ever. You couldn’t. In the long run, it would only make things hurt more for the both of you. Steve’s hands cupped your face and you kept your arms wrapped around his waist. You’d stopped dancing, and were now just taking whatever physical contact you could get.

When the kiss ended, Steve looked down at you again, making eye contact with you. His eyes were now red and tears soaked his face, as your tears soaked your own. You kept choking back sobs, but you didn’t know how much longer you could do so.

“I-I think we’re soulmates.” He whispered.  
  
“Think?” you questioned.  
  
“I  _know_.” Steve corrected himself, his voice firmer this time, yet still broken.

“I don’t-” you began, but he cut you off.

“I-I know you think that. But..you have a tree.” Steve’s hands moved down and he took your arm in his both of his hands. He pulled your sleeve up and revealed your tree- “would you have a tree if you didn’t have a soulmate?”

“I don’t..I don’t know.” you admitted.  
  
“Then stay, and we can figure it out together.” he begged.

You were silent a moment as you and Steve went back to how you were before, with his hands on your waist and your arms wrapped around the back of his neck. There was only one thing you could think to say. There was only one idea you had. It was practical, really, if you thought about it, “How about.. If my tree blooms in color in the spring… how about I come back?”

Steve’s brows furrowed as he looked at you, he hadn’t thought about that either. Though his first reaction was to say  _no, just stay_.

When the song ended, the two of you decided it was time to settle back into your van together, the same way you both had last night. Beginning with the two of you unable to tear your lips away, and then eventually calming down with you resting your head against his chest again. This time shamelessly tracing the outline of his tree with your fingertips.

It took you both a long time to fall asleep. Knowing this was your last night together, neither of you wanted to. But eventually, you both did, holding each other closely.

Tomorrow morning was going to be the hardest moment of your life.


	7. On My Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is revealed whether or not you and Castiel are soulmates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music to set the mood - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l35v5r1dJYY

It was a quiet morning. You’d woken up before Steve, and you could’ve just watched him sleep forever. Every last bit of him was perfect. The way he was completely at ease while he slept, how he was perfectly content with you in his arms, and how he seemed to lean into your touch even whilst fast asleep when you caressed his cheek in your hand. You didn’t want to move, or to get up. You wanted to stay there with him, in your bed, in his arms, forever. It was like your van was this private little world for you and Steve, tucked back in the trees, away from the carnival, away from everything.

Steve had told you he didn’t work today, so you let him sleep while you helped get the carnival ready to get back on the road.  _Fuck,_  you didn’t want to leave. Your chest clenched tightly each and every time you thought about it. But what would honestly happen if you stayed? Spring would roll around and you’d be head over heels for Steve only for the both of you to discover that you weren’t soulmates. It was a recipe for disaster, and you didn’t want or need that.

You of course had every intention of coming back if your tree bloomed in color. There was no doubt about that. But still, you stopped yourself from thinking that there was actually any chance of Steve being your soulmate. It just wasn’t worth all of that pain.

A few hours later, Steve was still asleep, and you were done getting things ready to leave. So you decided to bring donuts and coffee. You thought that the least you and Steve could do was have breakfast together before you had to go.

You briefly thought about asking Steve to come with you, but then there would still be the issue of finding out you weren’t soulmates. You were at a total loss. Stopping at the door to your van, you took in a deep breath. You weren’t ready for this to be it.

As you placed your hand on the door handle you heard a knocking sound, like someone was trying get your attention, but you just shrugged it off. When you opened the door Steve was just beginning to wake up, and you smiled wide at him. He rubbed his eyes as he sat up and you held out a cup of coffee for him.

“Morning.” you said as cheerfully as you could manage.

“Hey.” he said, his voice crackly and sleepy and a couple of octaves lower than usual.

You heard the knocking sound again, and you turned your head, but Steve seemingly didn’t hear it. A moment later, you heard Beth’s voice calling you- “Y/N! You need to get up.”

Just as everything began to fade to black, you looked at Steve, who still sat there unaware of Beth knocking and calling your name.

That’s when you woke up.

“Coming!” you called out as you came to, and Beth finally left you alone.

As your eyes fluttered open when you realized what was happening, and you rolled over expecting Steve to still be next to you, sleeping soundly; but he wasn’t.

Your bed was as empty as ever, except for a piece of paper sitting on the pillow next to you. You sat up quickly, pulling your blanket up over your chest as you were still topless from last night, things had ended the way they had that very first night Steve had stayed with you.

You reached out for the piece of paper, and noticed that the handwriting belonged to Steve.

_Y/N,_  
I understand that it is for the best we don’t keep in contact. I trust that you will come back in the spring once you realize that we are meant to be together. You have my number, please call when your tree blooms in color. I love you, now and always.  
                -Steve.

You couldn’t hold back the tears any longer as you set the paper down. This was one of the single most difficult things you’d ever had to do. You allowed yourself to sob while getting dressed. There was no way that you could dread having to help get ready to leave any more than you did in this moment.

Steve was gone, and there was nothing you could do about it.

For some reason, you almost felt betrayed. You felt as if you had betrayed yourself. You felt as if you had betrayed Steve.

A fling. It was only supposed to be a fling. This wasn’t right. None of this was right. A couple of hours later the last things that needed packed up were the few things that you kept outside by your van. Soon enough, you were back on the road, headed to the next town, feeling emptier than you ever had in your entire life.

—-

**APRIL**

You’d been awake for nearly two days straight. It was time, and you knew it. Your tree would begin to blossom any day now, or any second. If the petals bloomed in color, you knew exactly what you were going to do.

The last few months had been hard. Harder than anything you ever could’ve imagined, and you thought what you went through growing up was tough. But this…his was something totally different. It didn’t compare. To anything.

You thought about Steve every single day, wishing you could just go back and be with him, even if it was never meant to be. Leaving was the biggest regret of your life. You could count on one hand the number of days you _hadn’t_  cried over him since you’d left Rexburg.

Currently, the carnival was in Ogden, Utah, getting ready to head out. You were all set and ready to leave the next morning, and you were tired enough that if you closed your eyes, you’d be asleep within seconds. Staying up until three o’clock in the morning was never your thing, let alone staying up all night. Hell, let alone two nights. But you weren’t resting until you knew for sure.

Your phone was at your side. Steve’s contact information was pulled up, and waiting for you. You sat in the back of your van with nothing but the overhead light on. It was time.

There was always a small itch under your skin where your tree was when it changed with the seasons. But right now, there couldn’t have been a more relieving feeling in the world. The anticipation was over. Even if it wasn’t going to bloom in color, you would know. You would know if you could go back to Steve or if you could move on.

You looked down at your arm with tears in your eyes, your heart pounding, and with a lump forming in your throat. The branches moved slightly right in front of your very eyes. You’d never watched it this closely before and the sight of it changing was quite honestly amazing. And then there it was.

Pink petals. Not white.

A loud sob escaped your throat. You smiled and covered your mouth in total shock. Tears freely streamed down your face and you let yourself cry and cry. The petals weren’t only pink, some were shades of purple, some were even blue. One of them was even the color of Steve’s eyes- a color you’d never forget. It was one of the most beautiful sights you’d ever seen. And it was just the confirmation you needed.

As if you were on autopilot, you were dialing Steve’s number. You kept your breathing as steady as you could while the phone began to ring.

It rang. And rang, and rang. Steve never answered, but you didn’t care. You needed to go to him. You needed to go back to Idaho, to that Gas n’ Sip. But you knew you’d never get there while you were this tired. So you would sleep. You would sleep tonight and leave in the morning.

For the first time in you didn’t know how long, you would leave this carnival that you’d come to call home.

-

You were up much earlier than you’d intended to be. Which in all honestly was perfect, considering you were going to simply sneak away from the carnival. Goodbyes were too hard, and Beth knew that you’d leave. That was enough. The only thing that you needed to do was stop for gas, and then you could be on your way. You could use the coffee too.

As you drove to the nearest gas station, which also happened to be a Gas n’ Sip– you kept glancing down at your arm, at the beautiful colors of the petals on your tree. You were ecstatic, to say the least. Your heart was full, it was warm. Steve never answered his phone, even after you’d tried calling him several times. Which worried you, but the number wasn’t disconnected. So there was hope.

Rexburg was only a three hour drive from where you were. You could do this.

Pulling into the gas station and up to a gas pump, you practically jumped out of your van to run inside and prepay. They’d just opened, and you could smell the freshly brewed coffee as you opened the door.

Though none of that mattered when you walked directly into Steve. You ran into him with a  oomph and looked up at him in total shock. He had been making his way out, wearing much nicer clothes now than he had when you were seeing him. He was as handsome as ever wearing a suit and trench coat.

“Y/N.” He said, his eyes as wide and surprised as they were happy.

“Steve?” you nearly cried, that lump working its way up in your throat again.

“What’re you-” he began to ask but you lunged forward into his arms. They wrapped around you tightly and you settled right into him. He seemed…different. But you still couldn’t believe it. It was him.

“My tree.” you sobbed as you pulled back and as Steve pulled you over out of the way of the door so that others could easily get in and out.

You showed him your arm and the smile on his face was one like you never remembered seeing.

“Did yours bloom?” You asked, still through tears.

“It hasn’t yet, no.” He said.

Why was he so calm? He was in tears the last time you saw him. Just as bent up and broken as you were, if not more.

“Steve..” you began, but his smile changed.

Why did he seem so strange?

Steve raised his hand as he noticed you picking up that something was off. You didn’t have the chance to say anything through all of the emotion as he snapped his fingers, and suddenly you heard soft classical music play as your eyes fluttered open.

_What the actual fuck?_  You thought as you lifted your head, you were in a chair. You tried to move your arms, quickly realizing you were bound to this chair. You could feel that your wrists were tied to the arms.

Looking straight ahead, you noticed a man sitting behind his desk, at a typewriter. You seemed to be in a library or something? Or a private office? There were books absolutely everywhere, piled on the floor, and stacked up on every surface in the room.

Fear began to set in a moment later and you tried to scream, only to realize that there was something gagging you.

“Now, now,” the man began, “there’s no reason to be scared, Y/N.”

He looked up from his typewriter and smiled. This situation was so fucked up. Where the hell were you? Who the fuck was this dude? You chanced a glance down at your arm to see that there were still colored petals on your tree. At least that much was real.

“What makes a story work?” He asked you.

Okay seriously, what the fuck kind of kidnapping was this?

“I thought I’d tell you a story, and let you decide-” he stood up from where he sat and your entire body tensed as he walked over to his record player- “that was my plan anyway.”

Your breath hitched as he then walked over to you and reached out, you wanted to scream, and to shout, and to cry. You wanted Steve. You began to hyperventilate as he reached for the cloth tied over your mouth and pulled it off.

“What the hell do you want?!” you blurted out before he could say anything else.

“Well, I was out looking for your angel, but it looks like I’ve found you instead!”

“My what?” you exclaimed.

“Your angel,” he repeated, “your soulmate? The love of your life?”

Your brows furrowed, you didn’t know what you were doing. You didn’t know what was happening. What was he talking about? Was angel another word for soulmate?

“Oh, I apologize, Y/N. Please excuse my terrible manners.” he said as he leaned back against his desk whilst making eye contact with you. Your hands clenched down on the armrests of the chair.

Was he kidding? Manners? You were tied to a chair and he was going on to you about god damned manners?!

“My name’s Metatron,” he motioned his arms around the room, perhaps suggesting you take a look around, but you kept your eyes trained on him, “welcome to my office.”


	8. Take Out the Gunman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Metatron has you, you learn the truth about Castiel, the Winchesters, and a little bit about yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music to set the mood - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0fCzvAdR3E

Taking a deep breath to compose yourself, you studied this man who called himself Metatron closely, “What do you want from me?”

“What do  _I_  want?” he repeated your question, “What I want, is Castiel.”

Your brows furrowed, and your heart rate sped up from the thought that this could be some sort of mistake, “I don’t know a Castiel.”

Now, Metatron looked confused. Did he think you were lying? You weren’t. You didn’t know anyone by the name Castiel.

“That’s strange, Y/N.  _Really, really_  strange,” he paced around the room, in what little space there was given the books spewed in every which direction, “considering he’s your soulmate.”

Your heart rate wouldn’t allow you to calm down, no matter how many times you’d tried. You’d begun shaking just enough for you to be aware of it; and though no sobs escaped, tears streamed freely down your cheeks while a lump welled up in your throat- “My soulmate’s name is Steve.”

“ _Oh_ , so he never told you the truth?” Metatron suggested, “ _Interesting_.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but nothing came out. You searched your memory, well, as best as you could under the circumstances. But you remembered nothing. Was this Metatron lying? He didn’t seem like he was the lying type. Or maybe he did, he had you tied to a chair after all.

“So you don’t know about,  _anything_?” He scoffed.

You just shook your head. Know anything about what? You’d just suddenly appeared here. You didn’t feel like you had been drugged or anything, not that you knew what that felt like if you were being honest.

“That’s not strange for our Cas, lying to the ones he loves for some sort of  _bigger purpose_.”

“Who is Castiel?” You finally were able to blurt out.

Metatron smiled in a sinister way, “He told you that his name was Steve.”

Metatron was telling the truth, you could feel it in your heart. Maybe it was some sort of soulmate thing. But you  _knew_  there was no way he could be lying about that.

“Now, I understand you probably need some time for this to sink in,  _but_ ,” Metatron stepped towards you, close enough that you had to look up to make eye contact with him, “I need to know where he is and…I’m coming up dry.”

“I-I don’t know where he is.” you said quietly.

“Perhaps not, but you can help me find him.”

How in the hell were you supposed to help him find Ste… _Castiel_? The last you’d heard of him was that he stayed in Rexburg, Idaho. But now you wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t there anymore.

“I know, you may be wondering how you could help,” Metatron went on, which he seemed to do a lot, but he was interrupted by a knock on the door, followed by a woman stepping in and asking him if they could have a word.

You were able to finally relax for a moment when Metatron stepped out of the room. Whether you wanted it or not, your body began to shake more violently, and you began to hyperventilate just slightly. How the hell were you supposed to find Castiel? Considering you didn’t even know his name was Castiel until just a few minutes ago? And what else had he lied to you about? You just wanted to know how you were going to get out of here.

Thinking back to a few months ago, back to the time when you were with him, you remembered Dean. Dean was real. Your best guess was that Dean knew the truth about whatever was going on here, perhaps he knew about Metatron. Maybe Castiel did too. Perhaps they knew where you were.

“Well, I have some news.” You heard Metatron say as he came back into the office a moment later. You refused to look at him as you tried to calm yourself from your momentary freak out, “Turns out those Winchesters have something of mine. So…I’ve decided that I’m going to trade him for you.”

“W-winchesters?” you questioned.

“Sam and Dean? I assumed you at least  _knew_  about them.” Metatron stepped forward and began to untie you from the chair. Your instincts told you to run, to fight, but at the same time, your instincts said it would be better for you if you didn’t..

You were also now wondering about Sam and Dean, as they seemed to have the same last name as you.

“I do, I uh, I just didn’t know their last name.” you said, shakily.

Metatron helped you stand up after untying your ankles from the legs of the chair, and if you were being honest, he could’ve been a bit gentler with you, and a little less handsy. He then tied your hands behind your back.

“I still-” Metatron began to laugh, “I still can’t believe Castiel never told you he was an angel.”

That’s what struck you. That word, right there. Angel. You said nothing, you only listened to Metatron go on.  
  
“I mean, I figured he would’ve told you just to try and keep you safe, since you’re soulmates and all.” You were finding this way less funny than Metatron was.

“Angel?” you asked, it still made no sense to you.

“Oh yes,” he responded, still amused, “angels, demons, God, the devil, all real.”

You just stood there, now in front of Metatron, still stumped. You didn’t exactly see much of the world outside of a carnival, and no matter how many weird things you’d seen in your day, none of them even came close to what you were being told right now.

“You’ll see, soon enough,” Metatron assured you, “I should mention though, it looks like Cas has stumbled into the right place at the right time.”

“What?” You felt your heart rate begin to pick up again, Castiel might not have been honest with you, but he was still your soulmate.

“But before I trade the two of you off to dumb and dumber, I need to have a word with him, so, you’ll be waiting in there with another angel.”

You only looked ahead as he grabbed your arm and took you into the next room over, which was just another office. The woman from before that had asked for a word with Metatron sat at a desk, and soon enough you were sitting in a chair against the wall. She offered a smile that was anything but genuine, and you looked to the side, where Metatron was entering another room.

It was yet  _another_  office, and you could tell from just a glimpse that it wasn’t nearly as messy as the one that you were in.  But it felt like all of the air had been sucked from your lungs when your eyes landed on Castiel. He sat in a chair, tied to it just as you were tied to yours, his head hanging low, which told you that he was unconscious.

–

Not ten minutes later, well, you assumed it was around ten minutes. Sitting there in a room with your hands tied behind your back made time go by much slower. Metatron walked out of the office with Castiel, untied. You were happy to see him unharmed, but seeing him felt… strange.

Castiel walked straight to you while Metatron took a moment to talk to the woman at the desk. There was no avoiding eye contact with Castiel. All you could do was look into his eyes that were just as beautiful as they were very first time you saw them, and let out a quiet sob when he knelt in front of you and placed his hands on your knees.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

You nodded. It was strange to see him like this, dressed up nicely, like he was going to a business meeting or something. Especially since the first time you saw him like this was in a dream. Or, a hallucination. You still weren’t quite sure what it was.

“Here,” He said before standing back up and helping you to your feet, a few tears fell from your eyes as he turned you around, and untied your hands from behind your back. Castiel then leaned over so that he could whisper in your ear, “I told you,  _now and always_.”

You felt his thumb brush over your tree, which you’d forgotten was even there. His touch still had the same affect on you that it had months ago, and you tried to hold yourself together, but there was no stopping the overwhelming emotion that was beginning to take you over.

Turning around with fresh tears in your eyes, you looked up at him. You looked up into his stupid gorgeous, ocean-like eyes and you crossed your arms over your chest. The guilt you’d felt for leaving him in the first place was unbearable. But you never lied about who you were. You were totally honest with him, from the very beginning.

“You two will be taking the car to the meeting point, and I’ll meet you there.” Metatron said before you even knew what you wanted to say to Castiel.

He stepped in front of you protectively, while you were both directed outside to a car, where you were then guided into the back seat by that same woman from behind the desk, and another one that you hadn’t seen before. Assuming it was to make sure neither of you tried anything, you kept quiet.

The ride to wherever you were going was silent. There was a couple of glances from Castiel to you, glances in which you did not return. You weren’t sure what you were feeling right now. Fear, sure. Betrayal? Maybe. If you’d never met Castiel, you wouldn’t be in this situation. Hell, maybe if he’d just been honest with you, you wouldn’t have been kidnapped..

You tried to be angry with him, you  _were_  angry with him; But your heart cried out for him. You needed him. In every way imaginable. But you weren’t going to give in. You couldn’t give in.  _God_ , it would have been so much easier for you if you didn’t have a soulmate. And just where was your van? Was it really at a Gas n’ Sip? You rested your head back for a moment when you felt Castiel rest his hand on your thigh.

All of this was a mess.. Your feelings were an absolute wreck, and every time Castiel touched you, it was like your body was on fire- but in the best way.

You turned your head to the side and looked out the window as you pulled into what seemed to be a motel parking lot. Sitting up and looking ahead, you recognized Metatron, throwing his hands up in the air, seemingly throwing two men back against a car. One of the men you recognized as Dean, the other you assumed was Sam.

They both quite honestly looked terrified, and you’d be lying if you’d said seeing Metatron walk around to the back of their car and open the trunk with essentially the flick of his wrist wasn’t terrifying. Of course, seeing someone all bruised and bloody climb out was pretty terrifying as well.

The car finally came to a stop, and Castiel was quick to open his door and motion for you to scoot over and get out on his side. You did just that, and you stayed quiet as you were still incredibly nervous.

“Well a deal  _is_  a deal.” Metatron said as you and Castiel both walked over to where Dean and his brother were standing. He brought you to stand behind the three of them, Castiel giving them a look that said you were to be protected.

Dean patted you comfortingly on your shoulder, before looking back at Metatron. He didn’t seem to mind so much that you had chewed his ass out a few months ago- “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I can,” Metatron snarled as he stepped forward, “Because you and your little brother, your fine feathered friend and his  _much_  finer soulmate, and all those secrets you have locked away in your bunker? Can’t stop me.”

You swallowed thickly while fresh tears began to spill over as you stood there.

Metatron flashed that sinister grin as he looked between the four of you, “But I’m going to enjoy watching you try. It’s going to be a hell of a show.”

Castiel gripped onto your upper arm protectively when Metatron’s gaze landed on him, “I’ll see you around Castiel. Never forget I gave you a chance.”

And then suddenly, he was gone. You felt a weight lift off of your shoulders at the same time  _another_  weight come down on you. Sam and Dean turned around along with Castiel to look at you.

You assumed it was natural, the way you began to panic. You’d just been kidnapped and your soulmate wasn’t who he said he was. So the fact that you were backing away from the three of them whilst hyperventilating was hardly a surprise. In fact, Sam and Dean seemed sympathetic, whereas Castiel seemed to become stressed.

“Y/N, I..” Castiel began as he stepped forward to try to calm you, but you held your hand up so that he couldn’t come any closer, and interrupted him.

“ _Don’t!_ ” you shouted, bending over and resting your hands on your knees so that you could try to control your breathing, “I don’t, I don’t even know you.”

Castiel stood not three feet in front of you, looking utterly hopeless. If he was feeling  _half_  of the things you were about him, he had to be in pain. You knew that he needed to reach out and comfort you. The need was coursing through his veins like it was blood. The two of you were soulmates, and this was was similar to having your heart ripped right out of your chest.

Right now, you’d trust Sam or Dean more than you would trust Castiel.


	9. Right Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean invite you to stay with them to keep you safe from Metatron. You and Cas spend a little time together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music to set the mood - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qyk8ahihyII

“Is it true?” you asked while taking shallow breaths.

“Is what true?” Castiel questioned.

“Are you an angel?” you needed to know, you needed him to say it. Even if you could already feel that it was true.

“I..” he began, his voice cracking as he spoke, though he didn’t let that stop him, “I’m sorry. Y/N, I should’ve told you..I should have told you everything.”

“Yeah,” you stood up straight as you began to catch your breath, “you should have.”

There was a small hill behind where Dean’s car was parked. You backed up and sat down on it, brought your knees up to your chest, rested your forehead on your knees, , and pretended that no one else was there. Though, you could feel everyone’s eyes on you.

“Does anyone wanna tell me what the hell is going on?” Dean asked, but you weren’t  paying much attention.

Deep breaths, the kind that made you dizzy, and quietly humming to yourself is what helped you finally calm down. The day was fading away, and soon enough, hopefully you could forget any of this ever happened.

You knew that you had been sitting there for a long time. The air around you was cooling, and soon enough the talking between, Castiel, Sam, and Dean had quieted. Jumping when you felt a hand on your shoulder, you looked up at who you now knew as Sam.

“Hey, I’m Sam.” he said as he sat down next to you.

You sighed, “I know..Y/N..” you trailed off after haphazardly introducing yourself.  
  
“So I’ve heard.”

You just sat there, looking ahead, blankly staring at the motel. Even though now that you were calmed down, you just felt…off.

“How you holding up?” Sam asked.

“Oh you know, I just found out that my soulmate isn’t who he said he was after being kidnapped. I’m  _awesome_.” you caught yourself and stopped talking before you rambled on even more.  

Sam took a deep breath, “Yeah, it’s a lot. I get it. But Cas… he loves you.” you looked back over at Sam as he spoke, “Sometimes he just, doesn’t make the right choices.”

Sam’s words were oddly comforting, and you could tell that he was genuine. Though you just…didn’t want to think about all of this right now, “Do you guys know where my van is?” you asked.

“We do.” Sam confirmed, “You wanna go get it?”

“No.” You heard Dean answer for you, and you looked up and raised your eyebrows at him.  _Like hell_  you weren’t going to go get your van. “Metatron might not be done with her.” Dean continued.

“So I can’t go get my van?” you snapped back. You had wondered if it would be safe, so it was no surprise really that Dean was telling you this. But, you weren’t going to let that stop you.

“Dean.” Castiel looked at him, annoyed.

“Alright look,” Dean began “how about we go and get your van, ,and you follow us back to the bunker. You’ll be safe there.”You can stay there until we take care of Metatron.”

“Bunker?” you asked.

“It’s where we live, it’s warded against everything supernatural, to our knowledge,” Sam added, “there’s plenty of extra room, and you’re welcome to stay.”

You looked between Sam and Dean, almost unable to believe just how nice they were towards you. Though, from the looks of it, they were Castiel’s friends, and could just be doing him a solid. But looking at Castiel…you could tell he was concerned. You could practically smell the worry radiating off of him. He  _needed_  you to be safe.

“Please, Y/N.” Castiel said as he looked at you with pleading eyes, “you can be upset with me, I’ll keep my distance if that’s what you really want. But  _please_ , go with Sam and Dean.”

Everything else faded away as you looked into Castiel’s eyes from where you sat. Even this distance was enough to bring him to the brink of tears, there was no way to express just how much he needed you.

“I will not survive the news that you’ve been killed by Metatron, or  _anyone_.” he pleaded.

You only looked at him for another moment while you thought. Your chest ached. There was nothing more that you wanted to do than to get up, reach out for him, and wrap your arms around him. The need to be close was overwhelming, just as it had been since the moment you met him. You broke eye contact with him briefly while you looked down at your tree on your arm, before looking back up.

“Okay.” you agreed, “I’ll stay with- with Sam and Dean.”

Castiel’s shoulders relaxed and you could nearly feel the sigh of relief he let out. Sam stood up from where he sat next to you, and reached out to help you up. You took his hand and let him pull you to your feet, one corner of your mouth turning up as you looked around at everyone, –including Castiel– showing them as much as you could right now just how thankful you were.

“Alright well, let’s go get your van, then.” Dean said, and the four of you moved around to get into his car.

–

You felt safe in the bunker. From the very moment that you parked your van in the garage and walked inside. The library was already your favorite part, even though all of the books were about things you’d never even imagined before today. It just felt like home. Sam and Dean had briefed you on the bunker and the Men of Letters, monsters, and all things that go bump in the night on your ride here. It was a lot to take in, but after what happened today, you had every reason to believe them.

Walking around the room, allowing your fingers to run over all of the different types of books, you pulled out one that was titled: _Men of Letters: Legacies_. Sam and Dean had left to go get some food, and Castiel was setting up a bedroom for you to stay in.

You sat cross legged in one of the leather chairs in the corner and flipped the book open. Skimming through names, dates, descriptions, and not stopping until you found a particular last name: Winchester.

There was a reason you’d felt a connection to this place, and to Sam and Dean. Your last names weren’t the same by happenstance. As much as you hated thinking about your childhood, or anyone that was involved in it except for your mother, things almost felt as if they’d clicked into place when your eyes landed on the name Henry Winchester.

Henry Winchester was your grandfather, and you’d never met him. The Men of Letters –according to this book– weren’t to have children until a certain age. Back in the day, it looked like they were forced to remove their trees to ensure that it wouldn’t interfere with their duty if they  _did_  meet their soulmate, before they were allowed to pursue a life outside of the Men of Letters.

Apparently, Henry did  _not_  do that. It was listed right here in this book, and you wondered if either Sam or Dean had ever actually read it. It was listed right here, as clear as day. Your father’s name. It seemed to be that your father, Robert, was born just a few years prior to Sam and Dean’s father, John. Robert and John were not mothered by the same woman.

Not long after the information on the Winchesters had been logged, the books went blank. You huffed in the silent room and rested back in the chair, wondering about your father.

Maybe your parents  _were_  soulmates. Perhaps, your father had his tree removed. It was listed in this book that he was a legacy, and legacies weren’t to pursue a life with their soulmate until later in life. Which, was  _so_  fucked up, the more you thought about it. It was physically painful to be away from Castiel. It was absolutely agonizing. And you’d heard of tree removal before. The thought of it, being burned off…it made you sick. It was a part of you, a part of your body. The pain would be almost equivalent to having a limb removed.

“Are you doing alright?” you were shook from your thoughts when Castiel’s voice filled the room, and you looked over to see him standing at the table.

“Yeah,” you said quietly, “I’m okay.”

He smiled, “Good, Sam and Dean should be back with food soon,” Cas walked around the table, to get closer to you, “What are you reading?”

“Um, a book on the legacies of the Men of Letters.” you said, holding the book out for him to take.

Cas took the book from you and looked down at the page you were looking at- “Learn anything?”

“Yeah, um,” you began, “Sam and Dean are my cousins.” 

“They’re what?” Cas asked you before he frantically looked down at the book, “How did they miss this?”

You only shrugged, “My father is Robert Winchester.”

“So, your last name is Winchester?” Cas asked you, he seemed quite surprised, and also amused, like he knew there was something about you that couldn’t quite place his finger on, and this was it.

“It is.” you confirmed, but you were tired of talking about it already. You stood up and walked the couple of feet towards Cas, who was still leaning against the table. As he saw you approach, he looked up, and you took the book from him before setting it down on the table.

You were standing less than a foot in front of him, and Cas looked down at you, just waiting for the a-okay from you. His ocean blue eyes were still filled with pain and he was almost shaking with the need to reach out for you.

“I’m sorry I ever left Rexburg.” you said.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Cas assured you.

“We could’ve been together all this time, and..and I don’t know…maybe things would be different.” you said as you allowed Cas to reach out and lace his fingers with yours.

His touch still sent that familiar tingling sensation right to your chest. Everything about him was…perfect.

“We’re together now.” he said, his voice low.

Your body screamed at you until Castiel began slowly leaning in, silently asking you if this was alright. As he leaned down, he rested his forehead against yours, and both of you closed your eyes. Being close to him again brought you back down to Earth. You were still slightly shaken up from everything that’d happened, but that was all fading away now as you felt Cas’ lips just lightly brush against yours.

Before moving in any further, his hands left yours and he grabbed your waist with one while bringing the other up to caress your cheek. You smiled as your heart pounded in your chest for him, desperate from him to close the distance. Your soul reached out for him, no longer able to wait.

You of course didn’t have to ask twice, or even once for that matter, to get Castiel to kiss you. All you had to do was stand up on the tips of your toes and press your lips into his. He sighed and melted into you, as you did to him, and just as the edge had been taken off of the need that you had for each other, you heard what you assumed to be the bunker door opening, signaling Sam and Dean’s return with the food.

Your hands fell from Cas’ face and he pulled back slowly, both of you opening your eyes just enough to look at each other. He leaned in to kiss you again, briefly, taking in any bit of you he could before the brothers walked down the stairs and into the library with the food.

“Anyone home?” you heard Dean’s voice boom through the bunker, but you and Castiel were still too caught up in each other to care.

He leaned in again, placing yet another chaste kiss to your lips as you heard footsteps enter the library. You and Cas only pulled away from each other when someone cleared their throat.

“Sorry.” you said immediately as you leaned into Cas, slightly embarrassed and feeling like you’d been caught.

Dean shrugged, “Don’t be-”

Dean was interrupted by Sam, who’d seen the page that was open in the book you’d been reading, “Dad had a brother?”

“What?” Dean asked as he set the food bags down on the table.

“Yeah, Robert Winchester, half brother.” You pointed out, and both of them looked up at you.

“You were reading this?” Dean asked.

“I was,” you confirmed, “I was reading it because Robert is my father.”

“How’d you-?” Sam began to ask.

“I never told Cas my last name,” you began, “and when Metatron had me, he referred to you both as ‘the Winchesters’, which is when I noticed we shared a last name. And it just…I don’t know,” you went on as you stared down the bag of what smelled like bacon cheeseburgers, “it didn’t feel coincidental.”

“Do you think Dad knew?” Dean said to Sam..

They were both quiet for a moment while they stared at the page, “I mean, probably not.”

“Did  _you_  know, Y/N?” Dean looked up at you as he asked.

“No, but we moved constantly while I was growing up so, I’m guessing all of this-” you said as you motioned around the room, referring to all things supernatural- “is why.”

You could tell that they needed to let it soak in. Hell, they hadn’t even noticed you were their cousin yet. Things were slightly tense in the room, but you decided to reach for the bag of food sitting on the table and when Dean noticed, he picked it up and handed it to you while smiling. You smiled back at him, and in that exact moment, you felt something you hadn’t felt in a long time.

_You felt at home._

Reaching into the bag and pulling out burgers and passing them out, and you smiled when you looked up at Cas. Sam and Dean had both sat down, and Cas pulled out a chair for you before taking a seat himself.

After everyone was settled in, conversation began to come easily for all of you. Sam and Dean talked about growing up, and you talked about your own upbringing while Castiel told you about what being an angel was like, as best as he could.

Several beers and a few hours later, everyone was ready for bed. Everyone except for Castiel that is, after learning that angels don’t sleep.Sam had already made his way to his room, and Dean was standing up next, but he pat you on the shoulder before he began making his way to his own room, “Welcome to the family, kiddo.”

“Kiddo?” You questioned with a smile on your face as you sat your now empty beer bottle down, “I’m a year older than  _you_!”

Dean only shrugged and winked before repeating, “Kiddo.” He didn’t give you time to respond before he walked off.

You turned your attention to Cas while shaking your head, noticing that he was smiling at you. When Dean was out of earshot, you broke eye contact with the angel and instead focused on the empty beer bottles on the table. There had been one and only one thing on your mind for the past hour or so, and that was how badly you want to be with Cas.

“So um-” you started, pausing for a moment to bite your bottom lip, “we should uh-”

Castiel cut you off as he stood up and offered you his hand, “I have been thinking the same thing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only one more chapter left after this one!!! Also, any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! It's what keeps me wanting to write! <3


	10. First time (Final)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Castiel are finally able to be together, just the way you knew you were meant to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh! I can't believe it's over you guys! I've loved every bit of writing it. Stay tuned for more new series! Feedback is greatly appreciated. 
> 
> Music to set the mood - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gJZ5yZOzss

Just the idea of having sex had always made you nervous. It wasn’t the act itself, rather, the emotional toll it took on humans. Sex was meant to be between soulmates. It was meant to create a bond between you and your soulmate. Hooking up with some random would only make it more painful for you in the long run. Though, this never stopped people from hooking up.

But now, you were no longer nervous. You no longer had any reason to be afraid of getting hurt. Castiel was your soulmate, and the two of you were meant to be together, for the rest of your lives.

It almost brought tears to your eyes, the room that Castiel had set up for you to stay in. He’d went out to your van, taken a few things, and placed them in your room, making it feel even more like home. Cas had taken your bed set off of your bed, some knickknacks, and he had even strung up your Christmas lights, creating a perfectly relaxing atmosphere.

It was perfect, and as you stood in the doorway of what was now your room with Cas’ hand on the small of your back, you could no longer keep anything to yourself. You reached around and pulled him into the room, and shut the door behind him. Turning and locking the door, Castiel stepped forward and put his hands on your waist, pulling you extremely close as he backed you up against it.

As his hands rested on your waist, your hands moved up and gripped onto the front of his trench coat. At the same time, Cas rested his forehead against yours. Your body was already on fire, the tingling that was sent through to your core took your breath away.

_All of this_ just _from him touching me_ , you thought. Then your mind drifted to how it would feel if he touched other parts of your body.

What you and Cas did in your van in Idaho wasn’t anywhere near to what you knew you were getting ready to feel now. Your hands moved so that they could slide Cas’ trench coat over his shoulders, and he allowed the article of clothing to slide down his arms and land on the floor.

He smiled at you, and in that moment, you felt everything piece together. Cas felt it too, you could see that. He took his suit jacket off before leaning down and crashing his lips into yours. He didn’t have to tell you to wrap your arms around the back of his neck and pull him in closer, you just did it. You wanted this now, you needed it, and you needed him - all of him.

Castiel wrapped his arms back around you and pulled you in closed, his lips moving in perfect sync with yours as his hands slid down to the back of your thighs. You jumped up and wrapped your legs around his waist, allowing him to carry you over to the bed.

Being this close to him was something you’d only dreamt of up until now. Being wrapped around him the way you were, kissing him as deeply as you were, it was everything you’d ever hoped it would be. There was no longer any fear, no longer any sadness, there was no more holding back… it was just you and Castiel.

Your heart thumped loudly in your ears as Cas laid you down on the bed, and it almost felt like it was in slow motion. He laid over you, his lips still on yours, your legs still wrapped around him while your hands absentmindedly undid the buttons of his shirt. You were breathless, as was he, which made you both slightly shaky, slightly lightheaded, and even more desperate for each other.

Once you’d pulled the bottom of his shirt out of his pants and unbuttoned it all the way, his lips left yours and he looked down at you. There was that same sparkle in his eye that you always noticed, and a look that only told you one thing. He was absolutely, hopelessly, head over heels in love with you, and you needed him to know that you felt the same.

“I love you.” you whispered as you felt his hand rest on your cheek, caressing you as if you were the most delicate thing he’d ever laid his eyes on.

Castiel licked his lips and leaned down to kiss you chastely before making eye contact with you once again, “I love you too. Now and always.”

There was no stopping the grin that broke out across your face; and you soon realized there was no stopping Castiel as his lips landed on your neck, kissing you there tenderly. Your eyes fluttered shut as he moved down, allowing yourself to enjoy the way he then traced his lips along your collarbone, and then your chest.

When there was no more exposed skin left for him to kiss, he looked up at you, placing his hand on the neckline of your low cut tank top, causing his fingers to brush against your breasts, “May I?” he asked.

Nodding in response, and gasping as he ripped the material from your body and disposed of it somewhere on the floor, you couldn’t wait for him to put his mouth back on you. You couldn’t wait to feel his skin against yours. You could already feel something happening in your core, deep inside. Whether it was arousal, or just what happened when soulmates lay together for the first time, you weren’t sure. But it felt so incredibly right that you didn’t care.

Castiel’s mouth came back down on you, kissing down the center of your torso now, just below your bra.

“Castiel,” you breathed as the top half of his body began moving in such a way that he was pinning the lower half of your body down, “ _I need you_.”

“I know.” he whispered.

“No-” you arched your back, reaching around and unclasping your bra before taking it completely off and tossing it to the side- “ _now_.”

He looked up at you, his breathing very obviously becoming more and more shallow. He moved away for a moment, allowing you both time to kick your shoes and socks off,  and you began to undo your pants, only to be stopped by Cas.

“Allow me.” he said, his hand covering yours as it rested on the button of your jeans. Licking your lips, you moved your hand away and let Cas undo your pants the rest of the way before he hooked his fingers into the waistline, taking them, along with your underwear off.

You felt no shame being exposed to him, you weren’t shy, you didn’t feel the need to cover yourself. There was only the need to get his pants off of him, as well. Sitting up to kiss him sooner, both of you managed to sit up on your knees as your hand went for his belt. Castiel’s tongue rolled against yours, and your lips moved together slightly quicker now.

Before he could get his pants taken off, you reached into them and didn’t need to do much searching before you were able to grip onto his long, hard cock. You moaned into his mouth as you felt him, and he took a deep breath in as your hand brushed against the tip, allowing you to smear the bead of precum around.

Castiel’s hands were on your bare waist, warming every inch of your body with just a simple touch. You allowed him to lay you back on the bed, his lips still on yours. Castiel now rested between your legs, your hand having moved from his erection to try and pull his pants down.

He took care of that part for you, though you whined slightly when he had to stop kissing you for those few seconds. Your eyes were closed when you heard his pants hit the floor, and you didn’t open them again until you felt Cas’ mouth on your breast. Looking down at him, you bit your bottom lip into your mouth and threaded your hand into his dark locks.

Hungrily, Castiel began to moved down on you again, making much quicker work with his mouth now that you were completely naked. Though, you could feel it too, the need to be together.

Cas gently pushed your legs apart, allowing him to bite your inner thighs, to kiss the apex of your thighs, and finally, for his lips to connect with your throbbing sex.

You’d never felt something so pleasurable before, though your experience only included getting yourself off and dry humping. But the noise that left your mouth when Castiel’s tongue slowly dragged upwards over your sensitive bud, fueled his fire, so to speak.

He pushed himself into you more, allowing him to truly enjoy himself as he licked and kissed your sweet pussy. The tingling in your chest had expanded, and now your entire body felt shaky, your legs began to feel numb, and you knew you were close.

“Cas, stop.” you whined, looking down at the angel as he stopped and looked up at you.

“Is everything alright?” he asked with a look of concern on his face.

“Yeah,” you breathed, “I just… I want to taste  _you_.”

Castiel moved back up on you. Kissing every inch of your body that he could before making it to your lips again. Tasting yourself on his tongue, you moaned as you pushed him over, urging him to roll onto his back.

Knowing you’d never done what you were about to do, you moved slowly. Of course Castiel was perfectly okay with you taking your time. You got lost in him as you kissed his neck, as you bit his skin lightly. Your hands roamed his chest, feeling the muscles move beneath his skin. Your fingers traced his tree, just a beautiful and colorful of yours.

Soon enough, you discovered that you loved the way his body reacted to you kissing every inch of him. You were however, slightly nervous when you reached his V, which put his perfectly erect cock right next to your face.

You did what you knew you could do, and kissed the base of him, all the way up to the tip, where you began to lick his slit, tasting the salty precum as your tongue ran down the underside of his cock, down to his balls, and then back up again.

Slowly, you took him into your mouth, and felt some more wetness between your thighs as he moaned. You took as much of him as you could, using your hand to stroke what wouldn’t fit. You sucked and bobbed your head, paying attention to how he reacted and making sure to suck a little extra hard on the head of his cock, which made him squirm a bit.

Before long, he was reaching down and stopping you. You looked up at him, your lips swollen and his face flushed. Taking the hint, you moved back up, straddling him as you leaned down to kiss him.

The feeling you had from your bodies being pressed against each other was electrifying. Your sensitive, wet sex rubbed against his throbbing erection as his hands roamed your body. Carefully, you reached down between the two of you, gripping onto his cock and guiding him to your entrance. You breaths were shallow, as were his, and slowly, you began to sink down onto him.

Castiel stretched you, and with every inch that filled you, a pleasant burn caused your breaths to shake. You stopped kissing Castiel once you’d sank halfway down onto him to look into his eyes. You’d never seen such a look on his face, a look that was filled with love, and lust, and you knew, in your heart, that he was your reason for being.

Cas pulled out of you and kissed you as he rolled you back over onto your back, hovering over you and brushing a strand of hair out of your face. He reached back down between your legs, allowing his hand to run over your sex as he brought himself back to your entrance.

As he entered you again, you moaned as he sank all the way in. You felt almost as if you were on a cloud. High, light headed, a little dizzy, but blissful all at once.

“Relax.” Castiel told you as he pulled out slowly before thrusting back in, moving slightly faster this time.

He leaned down to kiss you again, and you were able to relax as pleasure took over your body.

“ _I love you._ ” you said with a broken voice, lost in the new sensations you were experiencing.

“ _I love you too._ ” Castiel groaned as he slightly quickened his pace, causing your lower belly to tighten.

You closed your eyes as you felt the tree on your arm react to the situation, letting the cool tingle resonating under your skin send another kind of explainable pleasure through your body. Castiel’s face was buried in the crook of your neck, and you could tell that he was experiencing the same thing.

When the sensation reached your sex, the tightening in your abdomen relaxed, and you came, hard and almost violently, if you were being honest. Feeling Cas’ cock twitch inside of you as he moaned with his own release, he bit down on your shoulder. For a moment, it felt as if you were the only two beings in existence.

Your mind clouded and your back arched with Castiel’s body pressed tightly against yours, his own whimpering only made you want to come again, and again.

This feeling of ecstasy lasted several seconds, and as you both began to come down from your ultimate highs, Castiel was able to meet your lips with his. Your breaths were shaky, your bodies were sweaty, and your hands moved up to cup his cheeks as you recovered.

Finally, Cas was able to pull out of you and roll to the side. He pulled you in quickly, not wanting to let go. Looking down, you caught a glimpse of his tree which was glowing the most beautiful shade of sapphire, resembling his eyes.

You were suddenly overwhelmed with emotion, and you allowed a few tears to fall as your head rested against Castiel’s chest.

“Y/N, I uh,” Castiel began, “I have something I have to tell you.”

You looked up, realizing he was also overcome with the emotion that apparently came with the bonding of soulmates, “ _Hmm_?”

As a tear escaped the corner of his eye, he looked into your eyes, “When we were talking about grace earlier,” he trailed off at first, almost like he was unsure of how to go about it, “I wanted to explain to you that I currently…have another angel’s grace.”

“Okay..” you said, almost as more of a question than a statement. You still were getting used to all of this supernatural stuff.

“Metatron, he…he hid my grace somewhere.” he explained, “Since the grace I have now isn’t my own, it’s fading…and when it’s gone…” Castiel was unable to finish the sentence as his voice broke.

You propped yourself up on your elbow, “What are you saying, Cas?”

“When it’s gone, I will um… I’ll die.” his words struck you in a way that you’d never felt. You could feel your heart began to shatter. Life without Castiel? The idea was unbearable.

“But it’s out there? Your grace?” you asked.

“To my knowledge, yes.” he confirmed.

“We’ll find it, Castiel.” you assured him.

“I just wanted you to know-” you silenced him by kissing him, you didn’t need him to tell you anymore. You would help him find his grace, you had hope. You had faith.

“We  _will_  figure this out. Together.” you told him when your lips broke apart, “Now and always. Remember?”

A small smile spread across his face, “Now and always.”

That was all that needed to be said between you and Castiel, for the rest of the night. After you had gotten a few hours of sleep, you woke up, happy to still be in his arms. The two of you made love on and off until the sun came up, never getting enough of each other, never growing tired of the feeling you both had as you came for each other, and with each other.

It stayed incredibly intimate. Castiel would work you over with his hands, or his mouth. You would work him over the same way, both of you doing whatever it was that felt good in that exact moment.

It was you and Castiel, alone together at last after months of being apart, after months of never knowing if you would ever see each other again. It was you and Castiel, now, and always.


End file.
